Today is kinda crappy. And the fact that it's "kinda" crappy, makes it even more crappy. You wake up in the morning/afternoon, feeling like you haven't slept a minute even though you slept for like 10 hours. Then you go outside, and yesterday's Christmas wonderland turned into a melting spring mess, miserably lit by a spring-looking setting sun.
When you finally reach your favorite cofee house, and order some delicious food, your life does not seem as miselable anymore, but then you are done with food, and you face a past due lab report that you need to write, and an upcoming final that you need to study for, and the realization that everything that melted during the day, will turn into a people-hating skating rink by the evening- and your life once again drowns in a pool of unfortunateness.
So there's the Thanksgiving break. Yay. Congratulations to those who are excited about Turkey, Christmas trees, sleeping in their own bed, and getting yelled at by lovely parents! You will finally get a few days of your heaven.
A few hours after the classes are done, the dorms are empty and I am sitting here listening to old music and working – making sure that ghosts don't attack the remaining students on campus. I had already a few miserable hours earlier this day, but now it suddenly all went away and I feel like I am finally getting to do what I want: as the last students are leaving the dorms, I am exposed to an almost completely quiet dorm, having the whole lobby all to myself – to relax, think, and enjoy a few stressless hours surrounded by the blanket of Matchbox Twenty Pandora Station. And somehow the song comes up, and the verse blossoms in my head: "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" It is not related at all to neither to the station, nor to my mood – but somehow this song is insanely sad and hopeful at the same time.
So I have a long night shift. I could watch Dollhouse – a totally boring, but for some reason interesting TV-show, I could play minecraft – that is, in case I find a mouse, or I could work some more at my unhappy and unsuccessful NaNoWriMo novel. Or I could do neither. Or! I could do homework!
The best part of tonight is, at the end of the shift I will get sleep – as much as I want to, unlimited, I will not have to wake up to go to class. So I get to relax – and look forward to more rest.
I remember my Christmas break my Sophomore year. It was really cold. Now to think of it, I remember my Thanksgiving my Sophomore year too. And it was cold too. I don't remember much of Junior year off of top of my head. But it was cold. And now it's warm. Somehow does not feel right. But I have netflix and minecraft. Those should fix it.
Well, the first day of class is over. I am sitting in my pajamas eating delicious ramen noodles in the dark scared that I'll spill it all over my keyboard.
Today was crappy. I woke up ways before my class started – feeling the annoying allergies in my throat and the horrible cold in my bedroom. Hot shower and hot tea fixed it somewhat, but I was really not enthusiastic to go to class. I just did not feel ready and/or excited. The only thing about the dorms that I miss (and that I would have hated if I still lived in the dorms) is all the people who start moving around in the morning and give you this feeling of "Those people are going to class. I wanna go to class too!" It was seriously weird to leave a quiet apartment on a quiet morning. And so was the feeling of being one of very few upper-classmen in an almost all-freshman group at my first class.
However, the quietness of my morning helped me focus on my classes better instead of running around and freaking out about too much assigned work. I did a much better job of just taking the whole thing one step at a time, submitted my first-day assignment, got back to my house, had a snack and went to sleep.
Taking a long nap made me realize that I am in a pretty good shape for working my night shifts again, which made me feel better; and going to walmart got me to see that I am getting much better at organizing my shopping lists than I used to be.
It still feels like it was a very tiring and exhausting day even though it really wasn't. Actually, writing this makes me realize that this day was as much of a bad day as it was a good day. It has been the worst and the best first day of class I ever had. The good side – it was definitely different from any other frist day of class I had before. The bad side – it was surprisingly ordinary – literally a whatever day.
Right now I am torn apart among being excited for the new semester, being happy that it's finally fall and the weather is gonna be cool, looking forward to December to be here already, and wanting this semester to last as long as possible.
Well, I guess, it's not necessarily a bad start!
So it cooled off a bit finally. You go outside and you feel that you can breathe and it's not even the middle of the night. It is even kinda chilly. I'm gonna go get a blanket. There. Now I'm warm.
I'm sitting on my porch and thinking that I should google how to clean stains off of it.
It's really beautiful out. And I spent the whole day inside. Why would I do that? Meh. Good that I got outside eventually.
The sky is pretty. It is not completely dark yet, so i can see purplish-grey coulds floating in the light bluish-pinkish sky. Yesterday I was in one of them. Last night I was trying to fall asleep, and I imagined that my bed is a big cloud floating slowly in the dark night sky. It made me feel happy and free.
I'm listening to Iron and Wine Pandora station and enjoying the slow evening. Beautiful evening. The cool and refreshing wind keeps slowly carrying the clouds and brings campfire smell. Campfires. I don't think I've been to one this summer. I probably grew up. I was working and taking care of my household – and became a boring adult. Well, maybe the start of school will change that. However, if it will – it will only in part – because I did grow up and I don't mind it – I just need to not forget how to be crazy.
However what I am doing now is a completely boring old-people thing – I am sitting on my porch, wrapped in a blanket, listening to music, drinking tea and writing in my journal. Dreaming of campfires and scary stories, lots of blankets, guitars and teary because of the smoke eyes. I do doubt that I will be feeling that adult when school starts. Or maybe I will. It is a new and interesting – but not bad – feeling. I kinda like it.
Now the clouds are lighter than the sky – probably lit my rising moon. And it got even colder. It's not really cold – but in comparison to the hot weather of the summer, now is a jacket weather.
The lawn is lit by orange light which I am not sure what I think about. I like it and I don't. It's warm and orange, which is nice. But it's annoying at the same time.
I wanna write something, but I really have no inspiration to do so, which is weird. I wanted to write about coffee – since I got to make coffee at work this morning. I wanted to write about tumbleweeds – since there is a tumbleweed smiley on skype for some reason. But I don't know.
It's a nice morning though. A different kind of work brought some variety to my routine, which I am very happy about. Even though the work I am doing today is much less eventful than usual – it is interesting to do something different and to have different duties.
Also, it is the first out of my four last days of work. I can't wait for my vacation – and the summer went by too quick. After this week there will be only two weeks left till school. Only two weeks. It's insane. It feels like the summer has just started, really. I am kinda looking forward to going back to school though.
I need to write up my vacation list though – stuff that I need to do on vacation. And I need to get books for school.
It's nice to sit and relax after work. You can drink pop, listen to music sitting outside your house and not be nice to your laptop battery. Also, you get to be bothered by random feelings of guilt for the mess in your house that you are not cleaning up. And for the indoor plants, some of which are not feeling well. But I guess that's life. I also feel that this post is totally worthless. But I'll post it anyways.
Time goes by really fast. Faster than I realize. Today I was talking to my employers about when my last day of my summer job will be. One of them mentioned that time goes by fast, and I did not pay attention to that. However, now it got to me pretty bad. A bigger part of summer is gone, then a little bit of work, my two week vacation (that I am looking forward to), and school starts again.
Sometimes I wish that my life was as easy as – well, nobody has an easy life I guess. No, I don't want my life easy. Easy life is boring. But I want to be able to solve things. I am ok with it being hard to solve things, but I wish it was at least possible. Sometimes you have a cloud that you can't really push away, and it just keeps sitting above you and raining H2SO4 on you. And whatever good of an umbrella you pick up, you gotta face the cloud someday. The umbrellas will be burnt one by one, and you will run out. And then you are standing under that rain and thinking what to do next. And you can't do anything really. You are just like everybody else, unprotected under this cloud raining life. And you cannot do a freaking thing.
I work with my hands. It obviously means I get to spend lots of time outside, get that farmer's tan where my arms don't look like they belong to my body anymore, eat lots while still looking like a skeleton, and get to build stronger muscles and a healthier body as well as physical endurance and willpower.
Those are all awesome. But the only bad (or maybe good) thing is that my mind gets too much free time. It's not that bad when you don't have anything to occupy your brain with. But when you happen to have a day when you are bothered by some pretty intense universal stuff – work, however exhausting it is for the body, ends up being nothing in comparison to the workout your brain gets – just because it does not know what else to do except for thinking.
So I started thinking about some good stuff, then ended up feeling like crap, because came to some dramatically sad realizations, but then my brain took me out of those – not completely – by giving me some hope, and there it was time to get off work.
And so here I am, sad, happy, and confused all at once. And this is not even related to any particular issue of my life. It feels like I went through a separate little life in my life. It is freaky, and kinda looks like I am going crazy, but also feels like I know more about my life and myself now – and less at the same time.
I guess that metaphor that some instructor used when I was in the fifth grade was true. Draw three circles – a little one, a medium one, and a big one. The little one represents the knowledge of a kindergartener, the medium one – highschooler, the big one – a person with PhD. The space surrounding the circles represents the unknown. The bigger the circle (the more you know and understand) – the bigger the border with the unknown and the more you feel like you don't know anything whatsoever.
It was definitely an interesting day for my brain. What made it more interesting was getting only 2 hours of night sleep before that – the less sleep I get, the weirder and the crazier is my thinking. That, combined with an increased load of thoughts on my brain, led to the abovementioned pretty hard brain workout.
Now I am really ready for some rest, food, and sleep – and yeah, ICE WATER!!!!
In the last 48 hours i got 7, 7, and 9 hours of sleep, one of which was an afternoon nap, which felt like the first real sleep I got from the beginning of summer. Yes, my body is obviously used to the night shifts and does not want to tolerate the normal human schedule I want it to adopt for summer.
It's too warm here. Everywhere. The only two ways you can survive the heat is sleep or hide in the freezer. Or you can put a freezer inside you – like, drink ice coffee or smoothie or something. There might be another option – going to safeway or walmart. But that would normally result in spending money – just because that's what these places do. But you get AC.
So my today's idea for spending my afternoon was going to a local coffee house, getting an ice coffee and playing minecraft and write something before the said coffee house closes, after which heading to safeway to get some soy sauce and enjoy the cold AC-ed air. I don't think there is a word "AC-ed", but that's the only one that worked for the context.
My plan already got changed for the better, because apart from playing minecraft, I am writing something in my journal. The bad part – I decided to write something in my journal because I had to stop playing minecraft because I caught myself getting motion sickness. Bleh. That means I am not playing minecraft enough, because I get motion sickness only if I stop playing it for a while. So I need to play minecraft more. It is lots of fun, and I kinda started to forget how much fun it actually is.
Soy sauce. Oh yeah. I'm planning to make some delicious food tonight – that is gonna be not only my today's supper, but also my tomorrow's lunch. And I need to continue unpiling the pile of stuff I have laying around from moving. But it's too warm for that. And then it's gonna be evening, and it's gonna be gorgeous outside, and I will not want to unpile the pile, because I'll feel like going outside and getting some fresh air. My life.
It's pretty awesome to have a place of your own. Even if the whole moving thing ends up being the workout of your life and leads to taking a sick day at work because of all muscles hurting and being exhausted to the point of not being able to get out of bed. But I got all my stuff moved and pretty excited about it, even though my stuff is everywhere in piles and totes. Yeah, have I told you I hate totes? They are now gonna be my worst nightmare. Grrr totes.
Also, being able to wake up and make your own food in your own kitchen is kinda awesome. You never realize the awesomeness of usual things until after you haven't had them for a long time and then suddenly got them.
On the off note, I've been looking for a new easy cooking project recently, and then I randomly thought that I didn't know what to do with brats except for grilling them. And now looks like I found a good cooking project!
Well, looks like the evening came and it's time to go outside and see how warm or cold it is – and to have a glass of cold water, because I'm definitely dehydrated after yesterday, and I need to change that at least partially by the time I go to work tomorrow.
Have a great night everybody!
Another night shift. Interesting, I've always treated them as night flights or night rides. Somehow poetic, somehow sad, and somehow painful. Rain is falling on the roof of the building, which is making it hard for me to hear my music.
Rain makes me feel sad, and it makes me feel like it's summer, and makes me realize the whole epoch in my life is over. During the last couple of weeks I started to see my life completely differently from how I used to see it.
I feel like my life is over, and new life began. I don't know yet what I want to do with it, but I can do more things with it than I could do with my previous life I guess.
There we go, I forgot about my blog. Dragged away in my own thoughts and stupid facebook games that are doing a poor job at keeping me entertained. I have yet a bunch of homework to do. And I am still experiencing some sort of empty sadness I haven't experienced in a long time. I think that finals week feels like that every time. But also, at the end of finals week the sky is usually painfully beautiful. Maybe because I am realizing the freedom I am about to get. Maybe because I am realizing that the price for the freedom is usually loneliness. And because every time the summer comes, I end up missing somebody, and that somebody normally has no idea about it.
Well, I guess it's about time for the summer to be here – just one more busy day.
breathe. breathe. breathe.
life is not over yet, there's lots to do.
and you can be happy even though everybody is hurting ya.
stop looking at that crap you stepped into.
you stick your finger it it, put it right up to your face,
smell it and eat it. or look at it sadly, as though it's
the most beautiful thing in the world –
even though you know it's not.
and you are spending hours and hours
looking at it, and cursing yourself, your past and the world,
for pushing you to step into it.
or you are starting to enjoy your position,
thinking that those people are shoulder deep into that crap.
and you hate your life, but still don't make it better, because
since you're better than somebody,
that's good enough. even though that somebody is actually
stronger than you and already got out of that shoulder-high pile of crap.
and you're still admiring the small cow pie you are standing in.
you're proud it's the smallest pile of crap anybody is sitting in.
well, guess what? everybody gets out of that lil crap pile,
and you're still sitting there.
that's why yours is the smallest.
The deep black hole is still too close and can get me again, and it probably will. But I feel that I got out and moved past it – in an instance. And now I am looking back, and I cannot believe that I was in that hole, and never noticed that I was, in fact, in a hole, because now, as I look back, I see how deep, scary and black that hole is. When I was in this hole, I was surrounded by darkness, so I did not really see how dark and horrible the hole was, and if I saw that at times, I could not get out. Now I can see it clearly, and I can see how hard it is to not fall there again, because I've been there too long, because it feels too comfy there, and nothing else really feels like home except for the black hole – but not because the hole is awesome, but because I haven't really seen anything else. I feel like I finally have fresh air to breathe even though I never had any idea how I needed it, nor do I have any idea what to do with it now. Getting some fresh air is a good feeling though. I only hope that I don't fall in that hole again – or if I do, that I can get out faster.
P.S. No, I did not just get out of the hole – I dug myself out from under the ground, where I feel like I have been all my life. And now, if I fall there again, I will still see the light and know how to get out.
It is windy outside. And sort of cold – but it is not the type of cold when you should be sitting inside and drinking hot chocolate. In fact, it is too warm for hot chocolate, but too cold to be walking outside comfortably… *Yawn* Fish bowl. I need to clean it so that my fish would not die. I'm yawning too much, so I need to watch out for the fish not to jump into my mouth by itself and get accidentally eaten unnoticed. Yeah, why am I yawning? I should go to sleep. But I had a Monster a few hours ago, so I am partially sleepy and partially hyper. Too sleepy to be productive and too hyper to go to sleep. How I met your mother? Too tired for that too. Minecraft? Sounds cool, but I should finish my blanket so that I could play Minecraft wrapped up in my blanket. Eh… there's homework, too. Meh. I wanna go to bed. But I don't want to sleep. And I won't be able to sleep until I wash my fish bowl, because I will feel guilty that my fish has to swim in a fish bowl with only two inches of water since everything else evaporated. At least I watered my plants. How come I have enough water for plants, but not enough water for my fish? Plants drink chlorine water, which would kill the fish. So plants get lots of poor quality water, while my fish gets a little bit of good water. Okay. But I don't think my fish is happy to be swimming in 2 inches of good water – which is not good anymore anyways. So that is why I need to clean my fish bowl. But I still haven't decided what I am gonna do with the possibility of my fish getting eaten unnoticed, because it would be better for the fish to be swimming in the 2 inches of water than getting eaten. However, the eaten fish is not feeling anything, while a fish swimming in 2 inches of water is definitely unhappy. On the other hand, the fish obviously wants to be alive, so I would say it does not want to get eaten, and would rather live in a dirty bowl. Fish can't talk. How do I really know what it likes? Meh. I should clean the stupid bowl and make the fish feel happy.
Starting out a new thing – like trying to write in a journal that can be potentially read by anybody – is a pretty challenging thing. You get to screw up, and you don't have anybody to blame for your mistakes. The good thing about it – nobody will know about those except for you, because when you are starting out, you are really the only person who cares about the thing.
Yes, I feel like I was very stupid to have accidentally deleted an entry which I was not intending to delete. But the realization that randomly deleting a random entry in a journal was the worst thing of the day, made me understand that I indeed had a very good day.