"- We're still flying.
– That's not much.
– It's enough."
Morning, morning, rainy morning. I am wondering if, since my laptop is the color of water, it will protect itself from getting water in all of its hardware, as opposed to my camera, which actually did get water all over because of my photoshoot yesterday evening. Yesterday was the first time I picked up my camera in a long while. The first pictures on my SD card date back to fall, and there is only very few of them, and then death – until yesterday. My evening included a dilemma between sleep, food, taking pictures, homework, and minecraft. Apparently, the urge to go run under the rain was stronger than my determination to accomplish anything more productive than that, so there I was, sitting on the ground, soaking in the rain with my camera in my hands, and having the fun of my life.
Today is as rainy as yesterday, which is nice, because rain is always nice. The sky is a little bit more gloomy, but I kind of like that, since I don't remember the last time we had that.
My computer is still alive, even though it took a nice fresh shower. I am strangely awake for how many hours I've been awake and for how little caffeine I consumed in the previous 12 hours. I had a nice omelet for breakfast and did not have to stand in a line. The sun does not hurt my eyes since it's hiding, and I'm done with the presentation, and proud of how great of a job my group did. I am not paranoid about my past due assignments, and now PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO PREVENT ME FROM WRITING IN MY BLOG!!!! CRAP!!!! LOL My friends are awesome! 😀
breathe. breathe. breathe.
life is not over yet, there's lots to do.
and you can be happy even though everybody is hurting ya.
stop looking at that crap you stepped into.
you stick your finger it it, put it right up to your face,
smell it and eat it. or look at it sadly, as though it's
the most beautiful thing in the world –
even though you know it's not.
and you are spending hours and hours
looking at it, and cursing yourself, your past and the world,
for pushing you to step into it.
or you are starting to enjoy your position,
thinking that those people are shoulder deep into that crap.
and you hate your life, but still don't make it better, because
since you're better than somebody,
that's good enough. even though that somebody is actually
stronger than you and already got out of that shoulder-high pile of crap.
and you're still admiring the small cow pie you are standing in.
you're proud it's the smallest pile of crap anybody is sitting in.
well, guess what? everybody gets out of that lil crap pile,
and you're still sitting there.
that's why yours is the smallest.
Yep, that's right – I'm up early without any particular purpose and have a couple hours before my busy day starts. I'm listening to some cool music, and got my blackberry vanilla tea instead of coffee, and my project instead of a newspaper. Hey, I do have a newspaper, just picked one up yesterday. So I can have a perfect coffee-and-newspaper morning. For a while, then I need to look at my project.
So how did this morning happen at the first place? Well, I set my alarm for 7am, and managed to wake up at that time. It was not easy, but I didn't seem to want to sleep any longer. It was light outside and seemed like some birds were singing. Then, while walking around my room wrapped up in my blanket, I started thinking whether I am awake enough to do homework, or sleepy enough to go back to bed. Since my answer was neither, I decided that I should make myself some tea, take it slow and just relax for a while.
It's great to be enjoying tea in the early morning – especially when this tea is in a transparent glass – this way you can see all the vibrancy of its color – deep red with a light shade of purple, not visible enough to see that it's really purple, but obvious enough, which prevents me from saying it's just red.
The tea is too hot, so I'm using an old binder as a lap desk, which does not look like a happy event for the binder, because it kinda melting because of the mug on it. Oh well.
What else do people do on a coffee-and-newspaper morning? Well, they write in a blog – possibly – at least that's what I ended up doing instead of reading a newspaper. Check email? Checked both, and luckily, nothing annoying, irritating or painful from my parents. In fact, nothing at all from them, which can be enough to provide for a happy morning.
I think that not reading a newspaper does not really make this morning worse – a coffee-and-newspaper kind of morning is not necessarily that much different from a coffee-and-writing kind of morning, the last one actually being even more exciting.
Now to think of it, I haven't had a morning like that for a long time – I either sleep in till noon or later, or wake up and start doing homework or playing Minecraft – or head out to do some relevant or irrelevant errands. There are no mornings to just sit, enjoy some great music and hot tea while writing something. Minecraft is fun, homework is necessary (and fun sometimes, too), but the coffee-and-newspaper mornings are necessary for me to stay sane in this crazy world.
Now that I am having this coffee-and-newspaper kind of morning, I am realizing that it is, in fact, really important to just sit and relax. And it's time to go get breakfast now!
The deep black hole is still too close and can get me again, and it probably will. But I feel that I got out and moved past it – in an instance. And now I am looking back, and I cannot believe that I was in that hole, and never noticed that I was, in fact, in a hole, because now, as I look back, I see how deep, scary and black that hole is. When I was in this hole, I was surrounded by darkness, so I did not really see how dark and horrible the hole was, and if I saw that at times, I could not get out. Now I can see it clearly, and I can see how hard it is to not fall there again, because I've been there too long, because it feels too comfy there, and nothing else really feels like home except for the black hole – but not because the hole is awesome, but because I haven't really seen anything else. I feel like I finally have fresh air to breathe even though I never had any idea how I needed it, nor do I have any idea what to do with it now. Getting some fresh air is a good feeling though. I only hope that I don't fall in that hole again – or if I do, that I can get out faster.
P.S. No, I did not just get out of the hole – I dug myself out from under the ground, where I feel like I have been all my life. And now, if I fall there again, I will still see the light and know how to get out.
Tonight – or, better say, last night, since it's already 2 am in the morning – while looking for some old notes for my homework, I stumbled upon a notebook that I got a couple of years ago. I completely forgot about it until two months ago, and then, after I randomly dug it out of my mess, it was just randomly laying around until I threw it on the shelf, and where it has been until today, when I randomly pulled it out together with a binder full of range management notes.
This notebook is not just notebook – it was designed by Bradley Trevor Grieve, and it is intended to inspire any sort of creative thoughts. Each page is different and the notebook gives a pleasant feeling of a creative mess. Also, on each page there are three random words, which are supposed to make you think and be creative. The idea of the notebook is pretty awesome – except for the fact that you are actually supposed to write – and not to type, since it's impossible with a paper notebook. I did try to write in it a couple of times, but the two pages of writing is the only writing the notebook carries, because I got bored and gave up writing in it.
However, I am not planning to put the notebook away like I've done thousands of times – I am planning on following through with my idea about how I could use this notebook – the idea, that came to me probably at the moment when I got the notebook, or around that time. What I am gonna do from now on is, open the notebook at a random page, write down the three words, and write – not in pen, but on the keyboard, in this very journal. I am finally accomplishing my two-year-old dream, which is kinda cool.
For all those who are wondering what the hell I am talking about, looking up "The Blue Day Notebook" by Bradley Trevor Grieve would be helpful.
It's been a few times already when I've wanted to take my camera
into the wilderness to Wilson park and take a few pictures here and there. However, every time I find myself thinking of that, I end up deciding that I am too busy for that, and I'd better do my homework, which I never do anyways.
So there I am, sitting around, not doing anything, and not taking pictures either. It is actually kinda sad, since I love taking pictures, and haven't done it in a long while already, and miss it pretty bad. I really should fix that….
Got to look through my very old blog and realized something – memories are a very interesting thing. Especially when I don't remember anything in particular, but emotions instead. As opposed to normal memories, which feel like they belong to the past – when I remember my emotions, they feel like part of the present again, no matter how long ago I experienced the emotion.
Events indeed belong to the past, but my past experiences and emotions are what builds me as a person and makes me the person I am now. I remember what I felt when something happened, and not just the fact that something happened. I think remembering events would be completely senseless if they were not filled with emotions. I feel like I remember events in order to remember emotions, and events are some sort of milestones for me to organize my emotions. However, all emotions are part of the present, because they are what builds each person. Since every person experiences lots of emotions over time, nobody can normally relate all the emotions to certain events. When I remember an event, I remember it for the purpose of remembering the emotion. Events happened long ago and I am no longer in them, but the emotion I experienced is still a part of me, and always will be, because I am my emotions, and my emotions are me, and it feels kinda cool to realize something like that.
It is windy outside. And sort of cold – but it is not the type of cold when you should be sitting inside and drinking hot chocolate. In fact, it is too warm for hot chocolate, but too cold to be walking outside comfortably… *Yawn* Fish bowl. I need to clean it so that my fish would not die. I'm yawning too much, so I need to watch out for the fish not to jump into my mouth by itself and get accidentally eaten unnoticed. Yeah, why am I yawning? I should go to sleep. But I had a Monster a few hours ago, so I am partially sleepy and partially hyper. Too sleepy to be productive and too hyper to go to sleep. How I met your mother? Too tired for that too. Minecraft? Sounds cool, but I should finish my blanket so that I could play Minecraft wrapped up in my blanket. Eh… there's homework, too. Meh. I wanna go to bed. But I don't want to sleep. And I won't be able to sleep until I wash my fish bowl, because I will feel guilty that my fish has to swim in a fish bowl with only two inches of water since everything else evaporated. At least I watered my plants. How come I have enough water for plants, but not enough water for my fish? Plants drink chlorine water, which would kill the fish. So plants get lots of poor quality water, while my fish gets a little bit of good water. Okay. But I don't think my fish is happy to be swimming in 2 inches of good water – which is not good anymore anyways. So that is why I need to clean my fish bowl. But I still haven't decided what I am gonna do with the possibility of my fish getting eaten unnoticed, because it would be better for the fish to be swimming in the 2 inches of water than getting eaten. However, the eaten fish is not feeling anything, while a fish swimming in 2 inches of water is definitely unhappy. On the other hand, the fish obviously wants to be alive, so I would say it does not want to get eaten, and would rather live in a dirty bowl. Fish can't talk. How do I really know what it likes? Meh. I should clean the stupid bowl and make the fish feel happy.
Oh this sweet morning when you wake up with a mixed feeling of hating yourself for not getting enough sleep, wanting to go back to bed, and wanting to challenge yourself to get through this day like all mortals – and realizing that you really have only one choice, because otherwise you're gonna miss out on all the fun – and nobody would let you do anything else other than staying awake anyways – which is part of the fun.
It takes you no more than two minutes to get out of bed because you are told to go outside and look at the gorgeous icicles on the frozen irrigation system – and yes, you drag yourself outta bed, still hating yourself for going to bed late, but excited about the great weekend you are having, the fun day that is coming up, and the icicles to look at. It takes a short walk outside – wearing just a sweatshirt – to almost fully wake up: the cold outside does not welcome those who don't get enough sleep.
You come back to the house, eat a couple of pancakes which seem like the best pancakes in the whole world, with a big smile drink a cup of coffee in the hope of warming up and staying awake, and sit in front of your computer, thinking how awesome of a morning you've had, and how much more fun this day will be.
Imagine the world was upside down – or, better say inside out. Then we would think of the round Earth as an unrealistic opposition.
We would go to school, and want to study, and it would be hard for us to resist doing homework, and we would get A's for slacking.
The world would function during the night, and would be quiet during the day.
Men would be women, and women would be men, and all the people would walk on their heads and ears and see with their feet.
We would hate going to a bar and love going to work. We would drink beer at work, and aimlessly stare at our e-mail accounts while at the bar.
Standing would be the fastest way of moving as opposed to the slowest – flying on an airplane.
We would love eating fruit, but it would not be healthy, so everybody would eat the healthy McD's junk food.
We would think of silence as music, and of music as senseless silence.
Everyone will love taking a shower, but the shower would make you dirty, so you would have to take effort to avoid it.
Cows would eat you, and you would eat mountain lions.
Backwards would mean forward, and forward would mean backwards.
Everybody would not be himself/herself, but rather everybody else would represent this person, while the person would represent everybody else.
Darkness would be light, and light would be darkness.
Church would be sin, and the evil would be proper.
People would kill for fun, and hug to hurt others.
Life would mean curse, death would mean fulfilment and happiness.
Having too much or too little would be great, having just enough would be wrong.
Babies would be smarter than their parents, and become stupid as they age.
A book would be a sign of stupidity, and staring at a TV would make you smarter.
Silence would mean communication, communication would mean mistreating others.
War would be quiet and blissful, peace would bring unhappiness.
You would not want love, you would want pain.
Your eyes would look inside instead of outside and would have a vague idea of what's out there.
Reality would be fake, and imagination real.
You are now thinking that you just imagined this, I just told you what's real.
Hello world, there I am again – with more of my
boring and random exciting writing for you, dear non-existent readers.
I really don't feel like writing tonight, because I feel like I kind of lost my ability to express my feelings about amazing simple things in life, which flooded my weekend to the point where it's sad that this weekend is over.
My weekend started Thursday night, because
as a very irresponsible student I slept through my Friday classes in order to show how responsible of a student I am… ^^ … and I got a three-day weekend, which was a great thing, especially considering the summer weather outside.
During this weekend – and actually the whole week – I've done lots of fun stuff that I haven't done in a long time, or ever. No, I didn't learn how to fly an airplane. But during the week I ended up realizing that I have time both to do homework and hang out with friends, while earlier I was pretty sure that I had time for neither,
because I was dumb. The highlights of the weekend were starting to work at my new cute- gross-colored blanket, cleaning some part of my room, walking around town, riding my bike, cooking a delicious lunch for breakfast, and yeah, WALKING BAREFOOT!!! I probably forgot to mention a thousand other things, but you get the idea.
And there we go. If I hadn't lost my ability to express my feelings about amazing simple things in life, I would have written here about my Saturday walk with Italian soda – but I don't feel like I can write anything particular about it, plus I am tired, and that certainly does not contribute in a good way to my ability of self-expression through writing.
Anyways, since I am almost falling asleep, soon my writing will start to look like that: asldfkja;oweibadkvalndfiae.
In order to prevent that, I'll wish you all guys good night and a happy Monday – and then will go to sleeppppppp…….. a;sldkjfaoweinaoi
……….oops….. told ya……..