Memories => Present

I am having a three-day weekend. This is nice. But I never thought of how bittersweet it was gonna be. Apart from feeling like my previous life is over, I celebrated this morning with a stream of memories out of nowhere, memories related to May.

Five years ago I graduated from high school. Three years ago I was getting ready for an adventure of my life. Two years ago I thought I will never see my friends again. A year ago I was thinking I was gonna be a music major, was confused about everything in my life and dealing with all sorts of crap and pain – and empty hopes.

This year I feel like an era of my life is over. I am beginning a new life. No, it's not the sort of "tomorrow I'm starting a new life" sort of thing. It just happened. I figured out my major. I let go of some unhealthy relationships. I cut my hair the way I always wanted to. I started to keep track of where my money goes. I feel ready to get a place of my own.

And here I am, standing all by myself, and realizing that I don't have – and don't need – anybody to make my choices for me, because I am an adult and I am ready to make my decisions and take responsibility for my choices. I am strong enough.

This weekend I fully realized that I am an adult. It is both exciting and scary, but I am up for the challenge.

The connection of memories and present is very bittersweet thought. Memories made me fully realize that an era of my life is over, and my life is never gonna be the same as it was. Which is both bad and good.

Moving on from unhealthy relationships is painful since it means losing people that meant a lot in my life. As time goes, people move away and I will not see them again, so some friendships just break by themselves making me doubt whether those were friendships. As time goes, I am learning to stop pretending to be who I am not, which made me more and more different from my friends, which makes friendships fade away. It is painful let go of people in your life, even if you know that it's inevitable or it is something you need to do, be it friends, parents, or guys.

The good – I feel like I let go of a HUGE and PAINFUL chunk of my life. I am not pretending this pain did not exist, but I am not dwelling on it as much anymore, and this is good enough. The pain is not gone, and never will be, but I would have never been able to become the person I am now without my past. My past is important. Everything that happened in my past is important. All the people I met in my past are important. But it is time to move on now, which I have never thought I would be able to do. I am sure I will have to face even more challenges and more pain in future, but I am also gonna be better equipped to deal with it.

I am not saying there is no more pain in my life – that would be a lie. I am not saying I am confident about the fact that I completely let go of my past – that would be a lie, too. I am not saying I started to make my decisions easily and stopped needing any help – that would be another lie.

People live in society and need each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of it. People care for each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of that one, too. People love and forgive – and I have yet to learn this one.

Life is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. People do the best they know. I need to be as good as I can be, not better or worse than others. I gotta be me. I have the whole life to learn how to.

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Choices

Everybody is trying to be different from anybody else. However, we need to remember that humans are social creatures, and do what everybody does – yes, different combinations and variations, but still we do what everybody does, and if we oppose something, then we act like that bunch of people who opposes that something. When we are trying to be different –  we are just joining the bunch of people who want to be different, and we are like them. Saying that, there is no wrong or right way to act (as long as we are not purposefully hurting people) – there are a limited number of ways we can act, neither of which is better than the other, and we are free to choose. That would be theory though. Our choices are limited by our traditions and by what we think others will think. You will probably say you don't care what others think? Wrong! If you act like you don't care, people will think that you are weird, and that's exactly what you want – to think you are weird. But then again, there are some more people like you, and you are actually acting like them. Our weirdness is, too, limited by our traditions. We will not do the weirdness we have never seen. We will be only the kind of weird our society thinks to be weird. We don't realize that our society is, in fact, insanely weird to some other society.
This all seems depressing and looks like it limits our choices to those existing. Not really. The choices are like letters from the alphabet – if you are going to add new letters, you are going to screw up the alphabet. However, you can use those letters to write as many words and as much text as you like, and you choose the contents. Our life is an essay – made out of those choices. And we are free – free to write whatever we want, because all the choices are human, and none are better or worse than the other.

Bring on the rain

Another night shift. Interesting, I've always treated them as night flights or night rides. Somehow poetic, somehow sad, and somehow painful. Rain is falling on the roof of the building, which is making it hard for me to hear my music.
Rain makes me feel sad, and it makes me feel like it's summer, and makes me realize the whole epoch in my life is over. During the last couple of weeks I started to see my life completely differently from how I used to see it.
I feel like my life is over, and new life began. I don't know yet what I want to do with it, but I can do more things with it than I could do with my previous life I guess.
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There we go, I forgot about my blog. Dragged away in my own thoughts and stupid facebook games that are doing a poor job at keeping me entertained. I have yet a bunch of homework to do. And I am still experiencing some sort of empty sadness I haven't experienced in a long time. I think that finals week feels like that every time. But also, at the end of finals week the sky is usually painfully beautiful. Maybe because I am realizing the freedom I am about to get. Maybe because I am realizing that the price for the freedom is usually loneliness. And because every time the summer comes, I end up missing somebody, and that somebody normally has no idea about it.
Well, I guess it's about time for the summer to be here – just one more busy day.