I am having a three-day weekend. This is nice. But I never thought of how bittersweet it was gonna be. Apart from feeling like my previous life is over, I celebrated this morning with a stream of memories out of nowhere, memories related to May.
Five years ago I graduated from high school. Three years ago I was getting ready for an adventure of my life. Two years ago I thought I will never see my friends again. A year ago I was thinking I was gonna be a music major, was confused about everything in my life and dealing with all sorts of crap and pain – and empty hopes.
This year I feel like an era of my life is over. I am beginning a new life. No, it's not the sort of "tomorrow I'm starting a new life" sort of thing. It just happened. I figured out my major. I let go of some unhealthy relationships. I cut my hair the way I always wanted to. I started to keep track of where my money goes. I feel ready to get a place of my own.
And here I am, standing all by myself, and realizing that I don't have – and don't need – anybody to make my choices for me, because I am an adult and I am ready to make my decisions and take responsibility for my choices. I am strong enough.
This weekend I fully realized that I am an adult. It is both exciting and scary, but I am up for the challenge.
The connection of memories and present is very bittersweet thought. Memories made me fully realize that an era of my life is over, and my life is never gonna be the same as it was. Which is both bad and good.
Moving on from unhealthy relationships is painful since it means losing people that meant a lot in my life. As time goes, people move away and I will not see them again, so some friendships just break by themselves making me doubt whether those were friendships. As time goes, I am learning to stop pretending to be who I am not, which made me more and more different from my friends, which makes friendships fade away. It is painful let go of people in your life, even if you know that it's inevitable or it is something you need to do, be it friends, parents, or guys.
The good – I feel like I let go of a HUGE and PAINFUL chunk of my life. I am not pretending this pain did not exist, but I am not dwelling on it as much anymore, and this is good enough. The pain is not gone, and never will be, but I would have never been able to become the person I am now without my past. My past is important. Everything that happened in my past is important. All the people I met in my past are important. But it is time to move on now, which I have never thought I would be able to do. I am sure I will have to face even more challenges and more pain in future, but I am also gonna be better equipped to deal with it.
I am not saying there is no more pain in my life – that would be a lie. I am not saying I am confident about the fact that I completely let go of my past – that would be a lie, too. I am not saying I started to make my decisions easily and stopped needing any help – that would be another lie.
People live in society and need each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of it. People care for each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of that one, too. People love and forgive – and I have yet to learn this one.
Life is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. People do the best they know. I need to be as good as I can be, not better or worse than others. I gotta be me. I have the whole life to learn how to.