a mother, a birthday, and abuse

Yesterday my mother had a birthday. I wanted to say happy birthday to her, but was not sure it I wanted to talk to her. Today I woke up and thought that I might as well tell her happy belated birthday. When I turned on my other phone to text her, I got like three texts looking like “What happened to you, you are not talking and not texting and not replying to me, that’s not right” etc etc etc. Funny how she sent all those on the day of (or right after) her birthday, just because she did not get my attention. Funny how the only thing she ever tells me is, why don’t you tell me this or that. Funny how, before leaving home, I told her, that I want space and will not be talking to them because I feel hurt every time I talk to them – because I did not want to just leave, because that would scare the hell out of them. Funny how in response to that they told me they love me and it’s me who does not have the ability to feel their love.

So here it is. I did not say happy birthday (Which is, to some extent, her controlling me into hating her – yeah, messed up, I know). I shut off the phone and took out the sim card. I am going to try to not stay in touch with them at all. I have already logged myself out of the email account that they email me to – because all they do is threaten me, and make me feel guilty. I do want to talk to them, I want them to be in my world, but every time I talk to them, I feel like I don’t want to live – or like I don’t want them to live, and neither of those feelings are healthy. There is nothing I can do to change them. So I’m gonna try to stay away. Like, really stay away. And that’s gonna be hard because their nasty words were all I ever heard – so it’s all the love from them I ever got, and it feels comfortable.

So here it is, mom, I am sorry I did not get to say happy birthday to you. I would want to take a trip home and bring you flowers. But I can’t do that. I can’t even talk to you. You have always been causing me a lot of pain, and you are still hurting me now, by every one of your words. I understand it’s not your fault that you are like that, but I have to protect myself. I am sorry. I deserve more than letting you hurt me.

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3 thoughts on “a mother, a birthday, and abuse

  1. Your sanity matters. Your psychological well being matters. Walking away from an abusive person who damages any of that is always the best decision, I think. Sticking around and listening them tends to communicate that you can be controlled and that they can do whatever they want to you, at least in my experience.

    I relate to your entry a lot. I was talking to a friend the other day about how I think what many people would consider abusive, and unacceptable behavior became normalized for me growing up. How its hard to know where to draw lines, when you’ve never had “normal”, when your frame of reference is extreme and abusive behavior.

    Came across these questions awhile back, when I was faced with the decision of cutting such a person out of my life, for the sake of my sanity. Maybe you’ll find them interesting to consider too:

    “1. How would you have felt/looked if you stay? How will you look 5-10 years from now being around him/her?
    2. What ailments would you have? IBS? Teeth grinding? Weight fluxuations? Binge eating? PTSD?
    3. What could you have truly accomplished with them in your life?
    4. Would you truly be happy?
    5. How would you FEEL about yourself? Are you worthless? Or an actual human being deserving of people in your life who lift you up, encourage you, instead of just dragging you down?
    6. It’s a beautiful day outside, The sun is shining and the energy of the universe is flowing all around… Will You even notice? or will you be sitting down on your couch bottling up all your emotions and feeling miserable because of him/her?
    7. Why the f**K would you want to go through life another day “walking on eggshells”?
    8. Being around them, carrying their toxicity, will rob you of many opportunities.

    • I am sorry to hear you had to deal with something like that in your life – it’s never easy. I have the same struggle trying to figure out what is abusive and what is healthy – and i struggle a lot and make mistakes thinking one is the opposite. Being around my family makes it even more confusing.
      Thank you for understanding. The questions are just wow – a great way of ‘sobering up’ from thinking that abuse is normal. At this moment, especially #6 – the darkness that they bring makes me feel helpless and unable to enjoy life.
      Good point about the importance of keeping sanity, too.

  2. No, its never easy. I can see its sort of cast a shadow over a lot of things, like my relationships with others. Not just in the romantic sense, though that’s certainly included, but relationships with people in general. Its like that whole area of life became unhealthy, skewed, off-kilter. Took me awhile to recover from all that. Recovery actually started when I began to learn about the psychological condition of personality disorders — specifically borderline and narcissistic. A few people in my life definitely suffer from that, and its a hardship on anyone associated with them. However, being able to give a name to that dynamic that went wrong has been alleviating. Thanks for your post. I found it inspiring.

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