Resolutions and thoughts.

It's the New Year, so everybody is talking about New Year resolutions and year's conclusions and what not. I don't think I ever made any New Year resolutions except for once two years ago. I remember only a few of those, one of which was writing something every day – which, after two years, I achieved somewhat – I am not writing every day, but I keep a journal and write a few times a month. I'm kinda proud of myself.
As resolutions don't normally work for most people, including myself, this year I think I will do a list of inspirational ideas – not promises to myself or resolutions, but more so things that I have always wanted to do, things I think are necessary or good for me. This way, I'll have something to go off of instead of trying to be perfect and failing.

So, there we go, my ideas of making my life better:
1. I have always wanted to get a guitar and learn how to play – so I want to do it this year.
2. I need to start working out more – both for the good mood and for the body endurance and strength, and maybe lift some weights.
3. Eating. Cooking and eating. At least two times a day. I tend to skip meals, which should happen less often.
4. Do some more experiments with my hair – mostly colors, maybe styles.
5. Write at least once a week in my journal.
6. Doing more crocheting – and more complicated crocheting projects, and maybe learn knitting.
7. Clean my house – and keep it clean.
8. Draw something every once in a while.
9. Learn how to manage my time better.

Eh… I don't think I wanna think of any more. I have yet to write my last year's conclusion – and maybe I will, when I have enough inspiration for that.

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Well hi there, hope your evening is not pathetic

I haven't written here for a long time. And I have no idea why. I have loads of time, and yet I just don't write – sorta feel scared would be the best description. That happens sometimes and I don't know the reason. Or maybe I do. Well, the one good thing – today I was sleeping for the most of the day. I slept last night, took a nap in the early afternoon, and slept most of the later afternoon and the early evening. I am still sleepy, but I feel like I can finally function. This is good. But it does not take away the subtle weird realization that I gave up on life. It's all the same – wake up, go to class, do homework or random stuff that distracts me from it, go to bed/work, start all over again. It's all really boring. And then I will graduate at some point. And all I am gonna do is wake up, go to work, come back, make food, go to sleep. It's miserable. Both of those patterns. And yet I am completely reluctant to doing anything that will break those patterns, anything that will make my day more fun. On this pathetic note, have a good evening, people. Hope your evening is more lively than mine. I'll try to write more often – it's not a promise, but I'll make an attempt at keeping it.

Unfinished thoughts

Empty dorms, empty streets. It's the last hour of my night shift. I am crocheting a doiley and thinking about life, the way it is and the way it was. The dark night makes you think about those things – and so do unfinished for years crocheting projects. I need to finish my doiley. It's not that hard. And the sunrise needs to come quicker. Dawn hours are the saddest ones – make your brain think of all those confusing crocheting dilemmas and life patterns – or vice versa. However, when the sun comes up, your brain suddenly dies and stops being sad – as well as poetic. The last part is something I am sad about. Night is beautiful, and so is the dawn, but sunrise kills your eyes and your brain. Or maybe it is a syndrome of a night shift worker, because sunrise is when those people go to bed.
Coffee. Hot coffee. Coffee normally makes everything better – even the sadness of the dawn. If you have hot coffee – that would fix pretty much anything in this world – you just gotta pick the right vessel to keep it hot for 8 hours – then your life would be perfect. Maybe. Or at least perfect for thinking about life without thinking about how to keep yourself warm.
Sunrise now. And it feels like it's too bright, but coffee does a good job at keeping me warm. Sunrise makes me fee like it's winter. Maybe just because it is a much later sunrise than it was a month ago – and the cloulds look kinda pink like they do on frosty winter days.

My first day of class. Bleh!

Well, the first day of class is over. I am sitting in my pajamas eating delicious ramen noodles in the dark scared that I'll spill it all over my keyboard.
Today was crappy. I woke up ways before my class started – feeling the annoying allergies in my throat and the horrible cold in my bedroom. Hot shower and hot tea fixed it somewhat, but I was really not enthusiastic to go to class. I just did not feel ready and/or excited. The only thing about the dorms that I miss (and that I would have hated if I still lived in the dorms) is all the people who start moving around in the morning and give you this feeling of "Those people are going to class. I wanna go to class too!" It was seriously weird to leave a quiet apartment on a quiet morning. And so was the feeling of being one of very few upper-classmen in an almost all-freshman group at my first class.
However, the quietness of my morning helped me focus on my classes better instead of running around and freaking out about too much assigned work. I did a much better job of just taking the whole thing one step at a time, submitted my first-day assignment, got back to my house, had a snack and went to sleep.
Taking a long nap made me realize that I am in a pretty good shape for working my night shifts again, which made me feel better; and going to walmart got me to see that I am getting much better at organizing my shopping lists than I used to be.
It still feels like it was a very tiring and exhausting day even though it really wasn't. Actually, writing this makes me realize that this day was as much of a bad day as it was a good day. It has been the worst and the best first day of class I ever had. The good side – it was definitely different from any other frist day of class I had before. The bad side – it was surprisingly ordinary – literally a whatever day.
Right now I am torn apart among being excited for the new semester, being happy that it's finally fall and the weather is gonna be cool, looking forward to December to be here already, and wanting this semester to last as long as possible.
Well, I guess, it's not necessarily a bad start!

A Summerfall Evening

So it cooled off a bit finally. You go outside and you feel that you can breathe and it's not even the middle of the night. It is even kinda chilly. I'm gonna go get a blanket. There. Now I'm warm.
I'm sitting on my porch and thinking that I should google how to clean stains off of it.
It's really beautiful out. And I spent the whole day inside. Why would I do that? Meh. Good that I got outside eventually.
The sky is pretty. It is not completely dark yet, so i can see purplish-grey coulds floating in the light bluish-pinkish sky. Yesterday I was in one of them. Last night I was trying to fall asleep, and I imagined that my bed is a big cloud floating slowly in the dark night sky. It made me feel happy and free.
I'm listening to Iron and Wine Pandora station and enjoying the slow evening. Beautiful evening. The cool and refreshing wind keeps slowly carrying the clouds and brings campfire smell. Campfires. I don't think I've been to one this summer. I probably grew up. I was working and taking care of my household – and became a boring adult. Well, maybe the start of school will change that. However, if it will – it will only in part – because I did grow up and I don't mind it – I just need to not forget how to be crazy.
However what I am doing now is a completely boring old-people thing – I am sitting on my porch, wrapped in a blanket, listening to music, drinking tea and writing in my journal. Dreaming of campfires and scary stories, lots of blankets, guitars and teary because of the smoke eyes. I do doubt that I will be feeling that adult when school starts. Or maybe I will. It is a new and interesting – but not bad – feeling. I kinda like it.
Now the clouds are lighter than the sky – probably lit my rising moon. And it got even colder. It's not really cold – but in comparison to the hot weather of the summer, now is a jacket weather.
The lawn is lit by orange light which I am not sure what I think about. I like it and I don't. It's warm and orange, which is nice. But it's annoying at the same time.

Usefulness of one’s vacation

So there's my second day of vacation gone by. I have two more weeks of vacation. The funny thing though, I was looking forward to my vacation and every day was thinking about it. And now I'm almost bored. I do understand that I took this time to catch up with sleep, get ready for school and do fun stuff – and those two weeks are gonna go by like a second. I think my problem is that I forgot how to relax and have fun. I work too much, get exhausted, and hate myself – and then, when it's all gone, I feel like it's empty. I don't know how to have fun and what to do.
Ok, so I was gonna make a bracelet. Clean my house, fully unpack, and decorate the walls. Get more furniture. Figure out what else I need for my house. I could read a book. I could take more pictures and learn something new about photography. Yeah, I need to be collecting plants too. And do some office stuff downtown. And and and and. So. I am still not doing anything and bored.
Well I could change that. I should write a goal list for each day and accomplish it – and do whatever in the time that's left. This way, I'll be getting stuff done, and the value of doing whatever will be noticeably higher.
But now I want chocolate. Or a candy bar. Also, I could use a walk. So I should take a walk to get myself a candy bar! But I'm so sleepy… Maybe I should have a cup of tea and go to bed.

A cloud raining life.

Time goes by really fast. Faster than I realize. Today I was talking to my employers about when my last day of my summer job will be. One of them mentioned that time goes by fast, and I did not pay attention to that. However, now it got to me pretty bad. A bigger part of summer is gone, then a little bit of work, my two week vacation (that I am looking forward to), and school starts again.
Sometimes I wish that my life was as easy as – well, nobody has an easy life I guess. No, I don't want my life easy. Easy life is boring. But I want to be able to solve things. I am ok with it being hard to solve things, but I wish it was at least possible. Sometimes you have a cloud that you can't really push away, and it just keeps sitting above you and raining H2SO4 on you. And whatever good of an umbrella you pick up, you gotta face the cloud someday. The umbrellas will be burnt one by one, and you will run out. And then you are standing under that rain and thinking what to do next. And you can't do anything really. You are just like everybody else, unprotected under this cloud raining life. And you cannot do a freaking thing.

Something in the Shrub.

I walked by a shrub. Something in it moved.
I looked at it. Something went quiet.
I moved. Something moved again.
– Hey, – I said.
– Hey, – echoed Something.
– Who are you? – I asked.
– Who are you? – said Something.
– A… being… – I said.
The shrub was quiet. I moved.
Something moved and asked "Why?"
– Because I am, – I said.
– Wrong, – said Something.
– Who are you? – I asked.
Something was quiet.
I turned away. Something moved again.
– Hey, – Something said.
– Yes? – I replied.
– Why do you want to know who I am? – Something asked me.
Now I went quiet and started to think. Why does it matter?  Was I scared of Something? Definitely. Did I know how to talk to it? Probably not. Was I going to treat Something differently after it answered my question? Sure. Was I afraid Something will treat me differently after I tell it who I am? Most likely. That's why I said I am a being. But really, who am I? A human, a girl, a college student, a worker, a person with a bruised past. Would I treat myself differently if I did not know any of that? Would I be more free? I froze. I had a world of opportunities in front of me, which I dismissed only because of the labels I gave myself. And here is Something. It does not care who I am. It just wants to talk to me. It does not want to find out who I am in order to measure how much of its hate it wants to give me. Maybe I should not be giving myself my own hate either? I don't even know half of the meaning of the labels I have, let alone whether there is any particular meaning to them at all. Maybe I should get to know myself first, and then fill my labels with meaning, rather than trying to fit in them?
– You meant, why I want to know who you are, didn't you? – I asked.
– Correct, – Something said.
– I don't know, – I said.
– I love you, – Something said.
– I love you too, – I said, feeling that I did not have to know who the creature was for me to say that.
Something moved again. I went quiet.
A rabbit jumped out of the shrub and looked at me. I took out my camera and the rabbit ran away. I got back to pruning my daisies – with a life lesson learned.

My brain likes to play thinking games

I work with my hands. It obviously means I get to spend lots of time outside, get that farmer's tan where my arms don't look like they belong to my body anymore, eat lots while still looking like a skeleton, and get to build stronger muscles and a healthier body as well as physical endurance and willpower.
Those are all awesome. But the only bad (or maybe good) thing is that my mind gets too much free time. It's not that bad when you don't have anything to occupy your brain with. But when you happen to have a day when you are bothered by some pretty intense universal stuff – work, however exhausting it is for the body, ends up being nothing in comparison to the workout your brain gets – just because it does not know what else to do except for thinking.
So I started thinking about some good stuff, then ended up feeling like crap, because came to some dramatically sad realizations, but then my brain took me out of those – not completely – by giving me some hope, and there it was time to get off work.
And so here I am, sad, happy, and confused all at once. And this is not even related to any particular issue of my life. It feels like I went through a separate little life in my life. It is freaky, and kinda looks like I am going crazy, but also feels like I know more about my life and myself now – and less at the same time.
I guess that metaphor that some instructor used when I was in the fifth grade was true. Draw three circles – a little one, a medium one, and a big one. The little one represents the knowledge of a kindergartener, the medium one – highschooler, the big one – a person with PhD. The space surrounding the circles represents the unknown. The bigger the circle (the more you know and understand) – the bigger the border with the unknown and the more you feel like you don't know anything whatsoever.
It was definitely an interesting day for my brain. What made it more interesting was getting only 2 hours of night sleep before that – the less sleep I get, the weirder and the crazier is my thinking. That, combined with an increased load of thoughts on my brain, led to the abovementioned pretty hard brain workout.
Now I am really ready for some rest, food, and sleep – and yeah, ICE WATER!!!!

Memories => Present

I am having a three-day weekend. This is nice. But I never thought of how bittersweet it was gonna be. Apart from feeling like my previous life is over, I celebrated this morning with a stream of memories out of nowhere, memories related to May.

Five years ago I graduated from high school. Three years ago I was getting ready for an adventure of my life. Two years ago I thought I will never see my friends again. A year ago I was thinking I was gonna be a music major, was confused about everything in my life and dealing with all sorts of crap and pain – and empty hopes.

This year I feel like an era of my life is over. I am beginning a new life. No, it's not the sort of "tomorrow I'm starting a new life" sort of thing. It just happened. I figured out my major. I let go of some unhealthy relationships. I cut my hair the way I always wanted to. I started to keep track of where my money goes. I feel ready to get a place of my own.

And here I am, standing all by myself, and realizing that I don't have – and don't need – anybody to make my choices for me, because I am an adult and I am ready to make my decisions and take responsibility for my choices. I am strong enough.

This weekend I fully realized that I am an adult. It is both exciting and scary, but I am up for the challenge.

The connection of memories and present is very bittersweet thought. Memories made me fully realize that an era of my life is over, and my life is never gonna be the same as it was. Which is both bad and good.

Moving on from unhealthy relationships is painful since it means losing people that meant a lot in my life. As time goes, people move away and I will not see them again, so some friendships just break by themselves making me doubt whether those were friendships. As time goes, I am learning to stop pretending to be who I am not, which made me more and more different from my friends, which makes friendships fade away. It is painful let go of people in your life, even if you know that it's inevitable or it is something you need to do, be it friends, parents, or guys.

The good – I feel like I let go of a HUGE and PAINFUL chunk of my life. I am not pretending this pain did not exist, but I am not dwelling on it as much anymore, and this is good enough. The pain is not gone, and never will be, but I would have never been able to become the person I am now without my past. My past is important. Everything that happened in my past is important. All the people I met in my past are important. But it is time to move on now, which I have never thought I would be able to do. I am sure I will have to face even more challenges and more pain in future, but I am also gonna be better equipped to deal with it.

I am not saying there is no more pain in my life – that would be a lie. I am not saying I am confident about the fact that I completely let go of my past – that would be a lie, too. I am not saying I started to make my decisions easily and stopped needing any help – that would be another lie.

People live in society and need each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of it. People care for each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of that one, too. People love and forgive – and I have yet to learn this one.

Life is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. People do the best they know. I need to be as good as I can be, not better or worse than others. I gotta be me. I have the whole life to learn how to.

Choices

Everybody is trying to be different from anybody else. However, we need to remember that humans are social creatures, and do what everybody does – yes, different combinations and variations, but still we do what everybody does, and if we oppose something, then we act like that bunch of people who opposes that something. When we are trying to be different –  we are just joining the bunch of people who want to be different, and we are like them. Saying that, there is no wrong or right way to act (as long as we are not purposefully hurting people) – there are a limited number of ways we can act, neither of which is better than the other, and we are free to choose. That would be theory though. Our choices are limited by our traditions and by what we think others will think. You will probably say you don't care what others think? Wrong! If you act like you don't care, people will think that you are weird, and that's exactly what you want – to think you are weird. But then again, there are some more people like you, and you are actually acting like them. Our weirdness is, too, limited by our traditions. We will not do the weirdness we have never seen. We will be only the kind of weird our society thinks to be weird. We don't realize that our society is, in fact, insanely weird to some other society.
This all seems depressing and looks like it limits our choices to those existing. Not really. The choices are like letters from the alphabet – if you are going to add new letters, you are going to screw up the alphabet. However, you can use those letters to write as many words and as much text as you like, and you choose the contents. Our life is an essay – made out of those choices. And we are free – free to write whatever we want, because all the choices are human, and none are better or worse than the other.

Moving on….

The deep black hole is still too close and can get me again, and it probably will. But I feel that I got out and moved past it – in an instance. And now I am looking back, and I cannot believe that I was in that hole, and never noticed that I was, in fact, in a hole, because now, as I look back, I see how deep, scary and black that hole is. When I was in this hole, I was surrounded by darkness, so I did not really see how dark and horrible the hole was, and if I saw that at times, I could not get out. Now I can see it clearly, and I can see how hard it is to not fall there again, because I've been there too long, because it feels too comfy there, and nothing else really feels like home except for the black hole – but not because the hole is awesome, but because I haven't really seen anything else. I feel like I finally have fresh air to breathe even though I never had any idea how I needed it, nor do I have any idea what to do with it now. Getting some fresh air is a good feeling though. I only hope that I don't fall in that hole again – or if I do, that I can get out faster.

P.S. No, I did not just get out of the hole – I dug myself out from under the ground, where I feel like I have been all my life. And now, if I fall there again, I will still see the light and know how to get out.

Do you remember who you used to be?

Got to look through my very old blog and realized something – memories are a very interesting thing. Especially when I don't remember anything in particular, but emotions instead. As opposed to normal memories, which feel like they belong to the past – when I remember my emotions, they feel like part of the present again, no matter how long ago I experienced the emotion.
Events indeed belong to the past, but my past experiences and emotions are what builds me as a person and makes me the person I am now. I remember what I felt when something happened, and not just the fact that something happened. I think remembering events would be completely senseless if they were not filled with emotions. I feel like I remember events in order to remember emotions, and events are some sort of milestones for me to organize my emotions. However, all emotions are part of the present, because they are what builds each person. Since every person experiences lots of emotions over time, nobody can normally relate all the emotions to certain events. When I remember an event, I remember it for the purpose of remembering the emotion. Events happened long ago and I am no longer in them, but the emotion I experienced is still a part of me, and always will be, because I am my emotions, and my emotions are me, and it feels kinda cool to realize something like that.