It's a very cold cloudy morning. I woke up an hour earlier than I should have. Just for the heck of it. No. The intention was to do homework – but, you know, who cares about homework. So I am making myself some tea and listening to music.
Hot shower, fall clothes, tea, and a blanket. I think I've been looking forward to that kind of morning since the start of the school year. And now it's there. And it's not just amazing, it's twice as amazing as I expected it to be because I'm sitting here and relaxing at the time when I would usually hurry to get ready and run around the house. It's a good thing I got myself to get out of bed early. And now I am sitting and looking at the clock and treasuring every minute of this slow and beautiful morning.
Yes, so it's fall. And since it's fall, there's that: http://www.pickyourown.org/pumpkinpie.php. I wanna make one of those these days. Maybe not as amazing as those instructions say. And maybe not from a real pumpkin. But it will still smell like a real pumpkin pie – or close enough.
Random thought. As I am sitting here doing nothing, I am realizing that I will come to class and I won't be dead tired or feeling like I just got dragged out of bed and about to go back to my pillow. Or maybe I will, even more so, because I got one hour less sleep than I could have. We'll see. Right now it's just a slow and amazing morning and I should probably go outside to see how cold it is in order to decide what kind of jacket I want to wear – and then get ready and head to class.
Hope you people have a good morning!
Empty dorms, empty streets. It's the last hour of my night shift. I am crocheting a doiley and thinking about life, the way it is and the way it was. The dark night makes you think about those things – and so do unfinished for years crocheting projects. I need to finish my doiley. It's not that hard. And the sunrise needs to come quicker. Dawn hours are the saddest ones – make your brain think of all those confusing crocheting dilemmas and life patterns – or vice versa. However, when the sun comes up, your brain suddenly dies and stops being sad – as well as poetic. The last part is something I am sad about. Night is beautiful, and so is the dawn, but sunrise kills your eyes and your brain. Or maybe it is a syndrome of a night shift worker, because sunrise is when those people go to bed.
Coffee. Hot coffee. Coffee normally makes everything better – even the sadness of the dawn. If you have hot coffee – that would fix pretty much anything in this world – you just gotta pick the right vessel to keep it hot for 8 hours – then your life would be perfect. Maybe. Or at least perfect for thinking about life without thinking about how to keep yourself warm.
Sunrise now. And it feels like it's too bright, but coffee does a good job at keeping me warm. Sunrise makes me fee like it's winter. Maybe just because it is a much later sunrise than it was a month ago – and the cloulds look kinda pink like they do on frosty winter days.
I want fall. You know, that time when you get to hate and love mornings because they are so cold. When it is fascinating outside because you get to run in the rain and walk on crunchy leaves and look forward to getting back to your house and drinking hot chocolate. When the sun is so beautiful, yet sad-looking. When you get to wear your hat and sweatshirt, and come to class with a big mug of very hot coffee that sitll does not feel hot enough. When you get to sit on your couch wrapped up in a blanket and watch the rain while the sky is getting dark and the orange street lights replace the sun. When it's so miserable outside you hate it – yet you think it's the most amazing weather ever. When you constantly feel happy-sad just because of bittersweet weather, yet never want it to be over. And even though it's still warm outside, you still start feeling this last part and smiling because it's the best feeling ever – and because it will get even better soon.
It feels like one of those november evenings. You wake up and you don't know where you are. It's dark outside and yellowish orange glow of street lights floods your room. You realize you have been sleep deprived so you took a nap in the afternoon, which apparently did not help much because your body decided to take not long enough of a nap and your mind was conveniently for the body bothered by random stuff that started to bother you as soon as your body decided to take a break from the nap. And then there you are – half-awake, half-asleep, trying to figure out what day it is and what the heck you are supposed to do. It's not too late at night yet, so you hear neighbors walking and talking. You look out of the window and expect to see fresh fallen snow – and see none, which makes you remember that it's still summer out. The problem is – November was so long ago that you forgot what you normally did on those gloomy sleep-deprived November evenings.
You turn on Pandora, hoping to wake up. Don't Stop Believing comes up. Interestingly, however depressed you are, you are realizing – you didn't die. There is a house to clean though, and school to get ready for. And maybe life is not that bad after all.
And there is a shopping list to write. Well, back to life I guess.
So it cooled off a bit finally. You go outside and you feel that you can breathe and it's not even the middle of the night. It is even kinda chilly. I'm gonna go get a blanket. There. Now I'm warm.
I'm sitting on my porch and thinking that I should google how to clean stains off of it.
It's really beautiful out. And I spent the whole day inside. Why would I do that? Meh. Good that I got outside eventually.
The sky is pretty. It is not completely dark yet, so i can see purplish-grey coulds floating in the light bluish-pinkish sky. Yesterday I was in one of them. Last night I was trying to fall asleep, and I imagined that my bed is a big cloud floating slowly in the dark night sky. It made me feel happy and free.
I'm listening to Iron and Wine Pandora station and enjoying the slow evening. Beautiful evening. The cool and refreshing wind keeps slowly carrying the clouds and brings campfire smell. Campfires. I don't think I've been to one this summer. I probably grew up. I was working and taking care of my household – and became a boring adult. Well, maybe the start of school will change that. However, if it will – it will only in part – because I did grow up and I don't mind it – I just need to not forget how to be crazy.
However what I am doing now is a completely boring old-people thing – I am sitting on my porch, wrapped in a blanket, listening to music, drinking tea and writing in my journal. Dreaming of campfires and scary stories, lots of blankets, guitars and teary because of the smoke eyes. I do doubt that I will be feeling that adult when school starts. Or maybe I will. It is a new and interesting – but not bad – feeling. I kinda like it.
Now the clouds are lighter than the sky – probably lit my rising moon. And it got even colder. It's not really cold – but in comparison to the hot weather of the summer, now is a jacket weather.
The lawn is lit by orange light which I am not sure what I think about. I like it and I don't. It's warm and orange, which is nice. But it's annoying at the same time.
I want snow. Cool weather, and snow and no more sun and heat. Then everybody wears a mop of snowy hair, and looks somewhat like a cat that ran out of a shower that has been forced on it. People look funny, cute, fresh, happy, and miserable all at the same time – just like that cat. And if they are complaining about how much they hate the snow, while holding on to their ears, swearing at the weather, the middle of nowhere called Nebraska – and themselves for having shown the stupidity of not bringing a hat – that makes them look even more cute and Christmasy, even if they are trying to look all fierce and world-hating. And then you pick up some snow, make a firm crunchy ball and throw it at one of your friends who has that cat-look – and you both end up in a snow fight, too busy to swear at the weather anymore. And then blankets and hot chocolate – a huge mug of this goodness held tight by your red happy warming-up fingers. And then you sit on the furnace, because it becomes your sole source of happiness after which you go to Walmart because you want to get yourself a hat, because you realize you misplaced the one you thought you had, and you get the cheapest hat, and it sits all funny on your head, slides sideways and exposes your ears to the very-much-hated-yet-loved Christmas weather. You curse the weather, take off the hat and continue walking with your ears falling off from cold – and smile because it is still a better feeling then a hat falling off. Then you go inside and put on your hat – because everybody is wearing hats, and it just feels cosy – only for a few minutes though until your hat starts sliding off and then you take it off and throw it against the wall, grieving about the fact that it won't hurt it any – because by now you are starting to hate your hat more than the weather. And then you look out of the window – it went dark, the street lights are on, and huge snowflakes are slowly floating obeying the force of gravity – and at this exact moment you realize that you can give the world for a mop of snowy hair. You run outside. You look into the sky and you can't move – homework, people, sleep – nothing matters anymore. You are mesmerized by the blanket the sky is covering the earth with. The snowflakes appear out of nowhere, the size of sand – and then they grow bigger and bigger – until they fall on your nose and cheeks, making those hurt and creating a smile on your face without you realizing it. You are starting to get cold – but it really does not matter. You walk a few more steps on the fresh-fallen shiny and crunchy snow trying to absorb what's around you – and comprehend what is happening to you. Suddenly you start running around and laughing – bathing in that fresh sea of snow. You feel happy – not for any particular reason – you just feel good and you don't need anything else in your life. Then you look at the clock – you have a night shift to work – and it's time for you to go get ready for it. You leave the heaven – a little bit sad that it's over – but understanding that if it went longer, it would have gotten old. You feel ready to leave the miracle and face the life – and you are confident that you are strong enough to deal with it. You think about your night shift – and smile.
Sometimes you get a few minutes in your life that you have never expected you will. Not a few minutes stolen from death – a few minutes of vacation from your routine, at a totally random time – and somehow those few minutes feel like you haven't really lived until you encounter them. You don't have anything planned, so you can do anything. You can be spontaneous and have fun. Or you can cry. Or run around and scream. Or do all of those things at once. You haven't planned what you are gonna feel like. It's a time off the chart – like when you take cash off of your account, and then forget about it, and then at some random account you find it and can spend it in a much freer way than money off of your debit card.
You come outside, earlier than you have ever been outside before. You see pearl-colored clouds and for once experience cool air. It's refreshing. The neighbor's AC makes a quiet sound. Somewhere there is a noise of maintenance equipment – which for some reason makes you feel safe because you know somewhere there are people taking care of the moment you are experiencing. You decide you need to take a picture – but then realize that you can't – because what you are experiencing is not just a visual sensation of morning colors. You start understanding that what makes the moment so precious is the sensation of the things you have more so experienced before – in a new setting – in a setting free of stress, worries, plans, decisions, and any crap that normally spoil your life.
So you feel happy and smile, surprised by the moment – and then grab your laptop to write about it. You are not sure that you will succeed – but you don't really care – you are not only describing it, you feel like you can't hold words inside. And accidentally, without noticing, you end up drawing a picture – the picture you wanted to take but couldn't, because it would make so little sense.
You sit on the porch and try to remember every single sensation before life starts. The sun is rising, coloring the leaves and the top of the roof orange, it is getting more noisy. You cannot say what fills the air with noise, but something makes you feel that the day is closer now. It is getting warmer, too, and feels more like your normal morning.
Boom! The alarm goes off and you realize that you've been taken back to life that is about to start. You are excited about the day, yet will never forget those sacred few minutes that life granted you as a gift – but you are ready for your life again – and inspired, more than ever.
And you go shut off your alarm – with a wide smile on your face – and a feeling more alive than you have in a long time.
While standing up from the porch you were sitting on, you notice your cup of water you have brought with you – and your cell phone. You forgot about both. You realize they get you back to life even more – and you stretch – looking forward to whatever the day will bring.
I am looking at a star in the blue blue sky. The star is little to the point of being elusive and it takes time to find it again if I take my eyes off of it. As I was looking at the star, something ran into the roof of my house – probably a little bat – or a big moth. As I am looking away, I see a pine sparkle under the street lights – a sprinkler nearby created raindrops on pine needles. They now shine like silver sparkles on a robe.
The music coming from the laptop is making the evening more amazing – yet making me tired. The crickets seem to be combining with the music and creating a special, almost sacred, evening tune.
The star got brighter – even though it still takes time to find it again. It is in a very weird location in relation to me, so I have to twist my head around to see it.
A gust of cool wind. A sip of warm water. You get a nice feeling of drinking hot chocolate in winter.
I am thinking I haven't relaxed like that in a long time.
The crickets stopped. They really did, and it is weird. The wind is getting stronger and I am thinking of getting myself a chair, because I don't really like sitting on the hard surface of the earth.
My laptop is gonna die soon, and it's sad.
I just saw something that looked like international space station. But it wasn't. It was too big and produced noise. It was an airplane. I normally hate airplanes, But I did not hate this one.
I'm listening to the kind of music I don't normally listen to. R'n'B sort of thing. But I really like it right now. Goes well with a slow laid back evening.
The sky got darker and the star got even brighter. Some more stars appeared. The diamonds on the pine tree became brighter. Silhouettes of the trees on the west are now completely black, and on the background of dark-blue sky, almost invisible.
Another gust of wind. Time for me to get back to my movie – and get some more hot water – and get off of here and do something else.
Got to run on the grass under the rain. Barefoot. And look into the sky. Got to see people I haven't seen for one thousand years. Crossed half of the town barefoot, taking my time to jump on puddles. Lay on the grass and smiled at the clouds. When was the last time I did any of that? How the heck did I manage to forget how to be crazy and do fun stuff like nobody cares? And how did it just come back in one day? And that all happened with only two hours of sleep last night – instead of the planned "going to sleep early this evening".
Well, looks like I am still the good old me, the me I managed to become in the last three years, and somehow managed to forget about in the last year. Well, now I guess I just gotta make sure to take a break every once in a while – and catch up with myself, and the crazy me that I seem to be forgetting about.
Another night shift. Interesting, I've always treated them as night flights or night rides. Somehow poetic, somehow sad, and somehow painful. Rain is falling on the roof of the building, which is making it hard for me to hear my music.
Rain makes me feel sad, and it makes me feel like it's summer, and makes me realize the whole epoch in my life is over. During the last couple of weeks I started to see my life completely differently from how I used to see it.
I feel like my life is over, and new life began. I don't know yet what I want to do with it, but I can do more things with it than I could do with my previous life I guess.
There we go, I forgot about my blog. Dragged away in my own thoughts and stupid facebook games that are doing a poor job at keeping me entertained. I have yet a bunch of homework to do. And I am still experiencing some sort of empty sadness I haven't experienced in a long time. I think that finals week feels like that every time. But also, at the end of finals week the sky is usually painfully beautiful. Maybe because I am realizing the freedom I am about to get. Maybe because I am realizing that the price for the freedom is usually loneliness. And because every time the summer comes, I end up missing somebody, and that somebody normally has no idea about it.
Well, I guess it's about time for the summer to be here – just one more busy day.
"- We're still flying.
– That's not much.
– It's enough."
Morning, morning, rainy morning. I am wondering if, since my laptop is the color of water, it will protect itself from getting water in all of its hardware, as opposed to my camera, which actually did get water all over because of my photoshoot yesterday evening. Yesterday was the first time I picked up my camera in a long while. The first pictures on my SD card date back to fall, and there is only very few of them, and then death – until yesterday. My evening included a dilemma between sleep, food, taking pictures, homework, and minecraft. Apparently, the urge to go run under the rain was stronger than my determination to accomplish anything more productive than that, so there I was, sitting on the ground, soaking in the rain with my camera in my hands, and having the fun of my life.
Today is as rainy as yesterday, which is nice, because rain is always nice. The sky is a little bit more gloomy, but I kind of like that, since I don't remember the last time we had that.
My computer is still alive, even though it took a nice fresh shower. I am strangely awake for how many hours I've been awake and for how little caffeine I consumed in the previous 12 hours. I had a nice omelet for breakfast and did not have to stand in a line. The sun does not hurt my eyes since it's hiding, and I'm done with the presentation, and proud of how great of a job my group did. I am not paranoid about my past due assignments, and now PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO PREVENT ME FROM WRITING IN MY BLOG!!!! CRAP!!!! LOL My friends are awesome! 😀
Yep, that's right – I'm up early without any particular purpose and have a couple hours before my busy day starts. I'm listening to some cool music, and got my blackberry vanilla tea instead of coffee, and my project instead of a newspaper. Hey, I do have a newspaper, just picked one up yesterday. So I can have a perfect coffee-and-newspaper morning. For a while, then I need to look at my project.
So how did this morning happen at the first place? Well, I set my alarm for 7am, and managed to wake up at that time. It was not easy, but I didn't seem to want to sleep any longer. It was light outside and seemed like some birds were singing. Then, while walking around my room wrapped up in my blanket, I started thinking whether I am awake enough to do homework, or sleepy enough to go back to bed. Since my answer was neither, I decided that I should make myself some tea, take it slow and just relax for a while.
It's great to be enjoying tea in the early morning – especially when this tea is in a transparent glass – this way you can see all the vibrancy of its color – deep red with a light shade of purple, not visible enough to see that it's really purple, but obvious enough, which prevents me from saying it's just red.
The tea is too hot, so I'm using an old binder as a lap desk, which does not look like a happy event for the binder, because it kinda melting because of the mug on it. Oh well.
What else do people do on a coffee-and-newspaper morning? Well, they write in a blog – possibly – at least that's what I ended up doing instead of reading a newspaper. Check email? Checked both, and luckily, nothing annoying, irritating or painful from my parents. In fact, nothing at all from them, which can be enough to provide for a happy morning.
I think that not reading a newspaper does not really make this morning worse – a coffee-and-newspaper kind of morning is not necessarily that much different from a coffee-and-writing kind of morning, the last one actually being even more exciting.
Now to think of it, I haven't had a morning like that for a long time – I either sleep in till noon or later, or wake up and start doing homework or playing Minecraft – or head out to do some relevant or irrelevant errands. There are no mornings to just sit, enjoy some great music and hot tea while writing something. Minecraft is fun, homework is necessary (and fun sometimes, too), but the coffee-and-newspaper mornings are necessary for me to stay sane in this crazy world.
Now that I am having this coffee-and-newspaper kind of morning, I am realizing that it is, in fact, really important to just sit and relax. And it's time to go get breakfast now!