Lack of sleep, excess of caffeine, and some school assignments tend to generate a thinking process in your brain. I am not even sure of the nature of that thinking process or whether it is healthy for me at this point. Today’s thinking was caused by writing a past-due resume for an assignment, which will prolly be used as a base for a resume when someday I apply for a job after college. So I wrote the resume and was mildly entertained by the result. My resume, of course, does not display me as fit for a range job even though my degree and some of my experience says so. However, it shows me as a capable middle-grade journalist with writing and photography skills, good all-round journalism experience, decent computer skills, as well as enough journalism classes and some useful unrelated skills to support that all. Maybe I should be publishing a magazine about plants or something…
I’ve noticed that lately I’ve had too many unfinished posts. I get a thought, sit down, open wordpress/word/evernote, start writing, and lose interest/inspiration/drive, and just close the window and go do something else. I don’t know why. It is really weird though. I have a whole bunch of draft posts where I’ve written anywhere from one sentence to a good half of a post and then just walked off. Just like that. And forgot what they were about. Maybe they did not matter that much? Just this morning I remembered a poem I wrote a long while ago – it felt like I wrote it just yesterday. I still feel it. I know it. I don’t remember it, but I remember that I am there, in that poem, all of me.
Where did that inspiration go? The inspiration when I would open my soul, and paint it on the paper, and not even remember how I went from one word to a whole page. The inspiration when I would break down the boundaries of my brain and just write what I feel. The inspiration when I had to doubt my sanity. I’m sad it’s gone. Maybe it will be back the moment I least expect it.
Everyone lives their life differently. Everyone gives different things different value. People have an understanding of what is good, and what is bad, but that is different for most of them most of the time. Every day you change and grow. Today you think differently than you were yesterday. You have no idea about what future will hold. For some reason, however, all you think about is future, without realizing that by thinking about what is not there, you are missing all you have now. And like that, days go by, and you waste away seconds and minutes and days and weeks, still looking for a sense of life, not realizing you gotta be looking for it in your present and not in the unknown future. Somebody says they have a miserable life, but everyone is jealous of them, when they don’t even see a single good thing in their own life. Somebody thinks they have an awesome life, but then others take pity on them. That does not mean someone’s life is better than the others’. That just means everyone lives differently and thinks differently. Life is a freaking white canvas when you are born. It’s yours while you are here on Earth. From your day one you can be doing with it whatever you want and can. From day one you’ve been drawing your life, what you are, and what others did for you and to you. That also means you have it all right here. Your canvas, your life. No one will every understand what you have been creating on your canvas or what influenced a picture on it. Some people will have respect, and some people will not. Some people are able to do so, and some people are not. Whatever they say or do, your canvas is still yours and will be with you till the end of your days. But it does not matter what they do or think. You canvas is who you are now. You need to learn to love and respect it. And I bet you are just vaguely familiar with it, because you are running from your past into your future that is not even here, bypassing the present when you can be looking at your canvas, loving it, and putting colors on it. You cannot own your future without knowing your past. You need to know and love your past, and use today to live and make a change – because only then can you realize that you are not really tied down by the past. You have a past, so does everybody else. It may be painful, hard, happy, or all of those. None is really good or bad. It’s just what you were exposed to. It is what you are made of. It is what you canvas looks like. You cannot rewrite it. You have two choices – accept yourself or run from yourself – the only person you have to be facing from the day you are born to the day you die. If you accept your canvas the way it looks – you can grab your brushes and draw whatever you like. Anything. Today. Right now. Past is what you are, but it’s gone now. Future is something you can affect, but it’s not here yet. Today is all you have. Today can be anything. You will say that your past affects you, but I’ll argue with you on that one. The past may change your angle or perspective – but you still see the same things and have the same power to create – like you – and every single human – always had and always will. It’s yours. You have this power every day. It’s in your essence. You are made of it. You just need to find strength to face the past, and enough guts to accept that you don’t know the future and it does not matter that much. What you know and have is today. Make the most of it. Live it. That’s what life is for.
Most of us know that it’s warm in spring. Well, apparently Nebraska weather knows otherwise, and today we all get to enjoy a beautiful blizzard – or at least, lots of cold wind and nastiness. I am still stubbornly celebrating spring by eating ice cream instead of nutritious food
because I am really lazy to get up and make any good food because all smart people eat ice cream instead of making healthy food.
With all of that, I am thinking I might as well start listening to Christmas music, because, you know, Nebraska weather knows better what season it is – as do deer that decided to munch on my rose plant to apparently protect it from the approaching blizzard inside their warm stomach. The rose survived, but now, to make it worse, it cannot go outside because of the blizzard. Maybe I should just get out Christmas decorations and put them on my already not-so-happy rose to make it – and myself – believe that it is, indeed, Christmas. The wind and snow would still be painful, but at least it would not feel so wrong to see a blizzard in April.
The other day I came to work and, like I normally do, turned on my computer, connected it to the electricity, and checked the network connection. It was the last thing that betrayed my hopes for a good night at work – there was no internet connection and I could not figure out the reason why the network was gone. I, however, shrugged my shoulders and went on with my duties, hoping for the internet to show up eventually. However, it did not, and my heart was sinking at the realization that I was supposed to be stuck at a front desk for 8 hours without Internet
Then the patrol came by to check on me, and, among other things, I learned there was no sense in expecting the Internet connection to establish itself because the network was down. Great. That indeed meant that I would have to spend 8 hours sitting at the front desk without Internet. Having my laptop was pointless at this point because my HDD is almost empty – and the external HDD was at my house, so there was no hope getting it. Among other things, I had no cell phone with me because I had misplaced it and had no idea where it was, I had no food, and had no idea what I would do without internet – be it entertainment or homework – because all those normally come from the internet. Even if they don’t – they have to be accompanied by Pandora. So here I was, facing 8 hours of complete boredom. Crappy, huh?
I started with estimating what I had with me and/or around me that I could use for making my night less painful. After all, people used to live without internet just fine. At that point I was already curious whether I can have fun for 8 hours without internet and was up for the challenge my fate presented me with.
My inventory showed that the front desk could give me a working TV. That was good. At least something. Searching of my backpack yielded a mug, some ramen noodles, tea, coffee, and my water bottle for nuitrition and hydration; a crochet project and a sewing project for fun; and some notebooks for homework and/or writing. The crocheting project did not come with a hook, so that was out of the equation. As for the rest of stuff – by the end of the inventory of my surroundings I was pretty hopeful about the whole surviving for 8 hours without internet thing.
That was the first thirty minutes of my shift. The rest of it was cake – I turned on the TV, took a sip of coffee, laid out my sewing project, and let my creativity flow. I haven’t watched TV in years, and now I got to watch the ending of a cool movie, a few episodes of House, and a few morning cartoons. I ate my ramen. I managed to regulate my coffee intake so that it would last me the whole night. I got half of my sewing project done, and maybe found a new hobby – I don’t really sew on a regular basis. All of those activities were evenly spaced throughout the night – and I was seriously surprised at how organized I was, and how much fun I had. By the end of the night I was in a better mood that I’ve been in weeks, I was far from being miserable physically or emotionally, I was awake, and felt accomplished. I was looking at my stunning sewing project, and thinking that maybe, just maybe, life is a little bit more fun without constantly depending on Internet.