I walked by a shrub. Something in it moved.
I looked at it. Something went quiet.
I moved. Something moved again.
– Hey, – I said.
– Hey, – echoed Something.
– Who are you? – I asked.
– Who are you? – said Something.
– A… being… – I said.
The shrub was quiet. I moved.
Something moved and asked "Why?"
– Because I am, – I said.
– Wrong, – said Something.
– Who are you? – I asked.
Something was quiet.
I turned away. Something moved again.
– Hey, – Something said.
– Yes? – I replied.
– Why do you want to know who I am? – Something asked me.
Now I went quiet and started to think. Why does it matter? Was I scared of Something? Definitely. Did I know how to talk to it? Probably not. Was I going to treat Something differently after it answered my question? Sure. Was I afraid Something will treat me differently after I tell it who I am? Most likely. That's why I said I am a being. But really, who am I? A human, a girl, a college student, a worker, a person with a bruised past. Would I treat myself differently if I did not know any of that? Would I be more free? I froze. I had a world of opportunities in front of me, which I dismissed only because of the labels I gave myself. And here is Something. It does not care who I am. It just wants to talk to me. It does not want to find out who I am in order to measure how much of its hate it wants to give me. Maybe I should not be giving myself my own hate either? I don't even know half of the meaning of the labels I have, let alone whether there is any particular meaning to them at all. Maybe I should get to know myself first, and then fill my labels with meaning, rather than trying to fit in them?
– You meant, why I want to know who you are, didn't you? – I asked.
– Correct, – Something said.
– I don't know, – I said.
– I love you, – Something said.
– I love you too, – I said, feeling that I did not have to know who the creature was for me to say that.
Something moved again. I went quiet.
A rabbit jumped out of the shrub and looked at me. I took out my camera and the rabbit ran away. I got back to pruning my daisies – with a life lesson learned.
Got to run on the grass under the rain. Barefoot. And look into the sky. Got to see people I haven't seen for one thousand years. Crossed half of the town barefoot, taking my time to jump on puddles. Lay on the grass and smiled at the clouds. When was the last time I did any of that? How the heck did I manage to forget how to be crazy and do fun stuff like nobody cares? And how did it just come back in one day? And that all happened with only two hours of sleep last night – instead of the planned "going to sleep early this evening".
Well, looks like I am still the good old me, the me I managed to become in the last three years, and somehow managed to forget about in the last year. Well, now I guess I just gotta make sure to take a break every once in a while – and catch up with myself, and the crazy me that I seem to be forgetting about.
I work with my hands. It obviously means I get to spend lots of time outside, get that farmer's tan where my arms don't look like they belong to my body anymore, eat lots while still looking like a skeleton, and get to build stronger muscles and a healthier body as well as physical endurance and willpower.
Those are all awesome. But the only bad (or maybe good) thing is that my mind gets too much free time. It's not that bad when you don't have anything to occupy your brain with. But when you happen to have a day when you are bothered by some pretty intense universal stuff – work, however exhausting it is for the body, ends up being nothing in comparison to the workout your brain gets – just because it does not know what else to do except for thinking.
So I started thinking about some good stuff, then ended up feeling like crap, because came to some dramatically sad realizations, but then my brain took me out of those – not completely – by giving me some hope, and there it was time to get off work.
And so here I am, sad, happy, and confused all at once. And this is not even related to any particular issue of my life. It feels like I went through a separate little life in my life. It is freaky, and kinda looks like I am going crazy, but also feels like I know more about my life and myself now – and less at the same time.
I guess that metaphor that some instructor used when I was in the fifth grade was true. Draw three circles – a little one, a medium one, and a big one. The little one represents the knowledge of a kindergartener, the medium one – highschooler, the big one – a person with PhD. The space surrounding the circles represents the unknown. The bigger the circle (the more you know and understand) – the bigger the border with the unknown and the more you feel like you don't know anything whatsoever.
It was definitely an interesting day for my brain. What made it more interesting was getting only 2 hours of night sleep before that – the less sleep I get, the weirder and the crazier is my thinking. That, combined with an increased load of thoughts on my brain, led to the abovementioned pretty hard brain workout.
Now I am really ready for some rest, food, and sleep – and yeah, ICE WATER!!!!
In the last 48 hours i got 7, 7, and 9 hours of sleep, one of which was an afternoon nap, which felt like the first real sleep I got from the beginning of summer. Yes, my body is obviously used to the night shifts and does not want to tolerate the normal human schedule I want it to adopt for summer.
It's too warm here. Everywhere. The only two ways you can survive the heat is sleep or hide in the freezer. Or you can put a freezer inside you – like, drink ice coffee or smoothie or something. There might be another option – going to safeway or walmart. But that would normally result in spending money – just because that's what these places do. But you get AC.
So my today's idea for spending my afternoon was going to a local coffee house, getting an ice coffee and playing minecraft and write something before the said coffee house closes, after which heading to safeway to get some soy sauce and enjoy the cold AC-ed air. I don't think there is a word "AC-ed", but that's the only one that worked for the context.
My plan already got changed for the better, because apart from playing minecraft, I am writing something in my journal. The bad part – I decided to write something in my journal because I had to stop playing minecraft because I caught myself getting motion sickness. Bleh. That means I am not playing minecraft enough, because I get motion sickness only if I stop playing it for a while. So I need to play minecraft more. It is lots of fun, and I kinda started to forget how much fun it actually is.
Soy sauce. Oh yeah. I'm planning to make some delicious food tonight – that is gonna be not only my today's supper, but also my tomorrow's lunch. And I need to continue unpiling the pile of stuff I have laying around from moving. But it's too warm for that. And then it's gonna be evening, and it's gonna be gorgeous outside, and I will not want to unpile the pile, because I'll feel like going outside and getting some fresh air. My life.
So I was thinking what I wanted for breakfast tomorrow, and decided to look up some ideas on what I could do with bacon except for the obvious way of eating it.
As a result, I found a nice easy idea – might put an egg on it tho, too 😀
And another fun idea:
Also, liked the idea of combining eggs and brussels sprouts – since I'm always looking out for ideas of what to do with brussels sprouts:
*Yawn* Well, I think it's enough Internet for tonight, and I should be going to bed soon if tomorrow I want to be able to wake up early enough to make breakfast, eat it slowly, and get to work a minute early.
Yeah, I should really be going to sleep now.
It's pretty awesome to have a place of your own. Even if the whole moving thing ends up being the workout of your life and leads to taking a sick day at work because of all muscles hurting and being exhausted to the point of not being able to get out of bed. But I got all my stuff moved and pretty excited about it, even though my stuff is everywhere in piles and totes. Yeah, have I told you I hate totes? They are now gonna be my worst nightmare. Grrr totes.
Also, being able to wake up and make your own food in your own kitchen is kinda awesome. You never realize the awesomeness of usual things until after you haven't had them for a long time and then suddenly got them.
On the off note, I've been looking for a new easy cooking project recently, and then I randomly thought that I didn't know what to do with brats except for grilling them. And now looks like I found a good cooking project!
Well, looks like the evening came and it's time to go outside and see how warm or cold it is – and to have a glass of cold water, because I'm definitely dehydrated after yesterday, and I need to change that at least partially by the time I go to work tomorrow.
Have a great night everybody!