Today is kinda crappy. And the fact that it's "kinda" crappy, makes it even more crappy. You wake up in the morning/afternoon, feeling like you haven't slept a minute even though you slept for like 10 hours. Then you go outside, and yesterday's Christmas wonderland turned into a melting spring mess, miserably lit by a spring-looking setting sun.
When you finally reach your favorite cofee house, and order some delicious food, your life does not seem as miselable anymore, but then you are done with food, and you face a past due lab report that you need to write, and an upcoming final that you need to study for, and the realization that everything that melted during the day, will turn into a people-hating skating rink by the evening- and your life once again drowns in a pool of unfortunateness.
You don't realize how much crap life is until you realize that it, indeed, is. Good evening everyone. It seems I am getting into a habit of writing on my crappiest evenings. Well then, I see that part of my unhappiness were shoes and socks on my feet and now that they are gone – I am feeling a bit better.
Ok, what's next?… Yes, something related to tea and music. Or maybe apple cider. But I am too lazy for that, so just music. Yeah, have I ever told you that Matchbox Twenty is a bunch of genius people? If not, you should check them out. Amazing band.
I want to wake up tomorrow and see snow. And run around and catch snowflakes with my mouth and be happy. I used to be like that. Like a little happy kid which I have never gotten a chance to be.
I haven't written here for a long time. And I have no idea why. I have loads of time, and yet I just don't write – sorta feel scared would be the best description. That happens sometimes and I don't know the reason. Or maybe I do. Well, the one good thing – today I was sleeping for the most of the day. I slept last night, took a nap in the early afternoon, and slept most of the later afternoon and the early evening. I am still sleepy, but I feel like I can finally function. This is good. But it does not take away the subtle weird realization that I gave up on life. It's all the same – wake up, go to class, do homework or random stuff that distracts me from it, go to bed/work, start all over again. It's all really boring. And then I will graduate at some point. And all I am gonna do is wake up, go to work, come back, make food, go to sleep. It's miserable. Both of those patterns. And yet I am completely reluctant to doing anything that will break those patterns, anything that will make my day more fun. On this pathetic note, have a good evening, people. Hope your evening is more lively than mine. I'll try to write more often – it's not a promise, but I'll make an attempt at keeping it.
It feels like one of those november evenings. You wake up and you don't know where you are. It's dark outside and yellowish orange glow of street lights floods your room. You realize you have been sleep deprived so you took a nap in the afternoon, which apparently did not help much because your body decided to take not long enough of a nap and your mind was conveniently for the body bothered by random stuff that started to bother you as soon as your body decided to take a break from the nap. And then there you are – half-awake, half-asleep, trying to figure out what day it is and what the heck you are supposed to do. It's not too late at night yet, so you hear neighbors walking and talking. You look out of the window and expect to see fresh fallen snow – and see none, which makes you remember that it's still summer out. The problem is – November was so long ago that you forgot what you normally did on those gloomy sleep-deprived November evenings.
You turn on Pandora, hoping to wake up. Don't Stop Believing comes up. Interestingly, however depressed you are, you are realizing – you didn't die. There is a house to clean though, and school to get ready for. And maybe life is not that bad after all.
And there is a shopping list to write. Well, back to life I guess.
So it cooled off a bit finally. You go outside and you feel that you can breathe and it's not even the middle of the night. It is even kinda chilly. I'm gonna go get a blanket. There. Now I'm warm.
I'm sitting on my porch and thinking that I should google how to clean stains off of it.
It's really beautiful out. And I spent the whole day inside. Why would I do that? Meh. Good that I got outside eventually.
The sky is pretty. It is not completely dark yet, so i can see purplish-grey coulds floating in the light bluish-pinkish sky. Yesterday I was in one of them. Last night I was trying to fall asleep, and I imagined that my bed is a big cloud floating slowly in the dark night sky. It made me feel happy and free.
I'm listening to Iron and Wine Pandora station and enjoying the slow evening. Beautiful evening. The cool and refreshing wind keeps slowly carrying the clouds and brings campfire smell. Campfires. I don't think I've been to one this summer. I probably grew up. I was working and taking care of my household – and became a boring adult. Well, maybe the start of school will change that. However, if it will – it will only in part – because I did grow up and I don't mind it – I just need to not forget how to be crazy.
However what I am doing now is a completely boring old-people thing – I am sitting on my porch, wrapped in a blanket, listening to music, drinking tea and writing in my journal. Dreaming of campfires and scary stories, lots of blankets, guitars and teary because of the smoke eyes. I do doubt that I will be feeling that adult when school starts. Or maybe I will. It is a new and interesting – but not bad – feeling. I kinda like it.
Now the clouds are lighter than the sky – probably lit my rising moon. And it got even colder. It's not really cold – but in comparison to the hot weather of the summer, now is a jacket weather.
The lawn is lit by orange light which I am not sure what I think about. I like it and I don't. It's warm and orange, which is nice. But it's annoying at the same time.
I am looking at a star in the blue blue sky. The star is little to the point of being elusive and it takes time to find it again if I take my eyes off of it. As I was looking at the star, something ran into the roof of my house – probably a little bat – or a big moth. As I am looking away, I see a pine sparkle under the street lights – a sprinkler nearby created raindrops on pine needles. They now shine like silver sparkles on a robe.
The music coming from the laptop is making the evening more amazing – yet making me tired. The crickets seem to be combining with the music and creating a special, almost sacred, evening tune.
The star got brighter – even though it still takes time to find it again. It is in a very weird location in relation to me, so I have to twist my head around to see it.
A gust of cool wind. A sip of warm water. You get a nice feeling of drinking hot chocolate in winter.
I am thinking I haven't relaxed like that in a long time.
The crickets stopped. They really did, and it is weird. The wind is getting stronger and I am thinking of getting myself a chair, because I don't really like sitting on the hard surface of the earth.
My laptop is gonna die soon, and it's sad.
I just saw something that looked like international space station. But it wasn't. It was too big and produced noise. It was an airplane. I normally hate airplanes, But I did not hate this one.
I'm listening to the kind of music I don't normally listen to. R'n'B sort of thing. But I really like it right now. Goes well with a slow laid back evening.
The sky got darker and the star got even brighter. Some more stars appeared. The diamonds on the pine tree became brighter. Silhouettes of the trees on the west are now completely black, and on the background of dark-blue sky, almost invisible.
Another gust of wind. Time for me to get back to my movie – and get some more hot water – and get off of here and do something else.