a mother, a birthday, and abuse

Yesterday my mother had a birthday. I wanted to say happy birthday to her, but was not sure it I wanted to talk to her. Today I woke up and thought that I might as well tell her happy belated birthday. When I turned on my other phone to text her, I got like three texts looking like “What happened to you, you are not talking and not texting and not replying to me, that’s not right” etc etc etc. Funny how she sent all those on the day of (or right after) her birthday, just because she did not get my attention. Funny how the only thing she ever tells me is, why don’t you tell me this or that. Funny how, before leaving home, I told her, that I want space and will not be talking to them because I feel hurt every time I talk to them – because I did not want to just leave, because that would scare the hell out of them. Funny how in response to that they told me they love me and it’s me who does not have the ability to feel their love.

So here it is. I did not say happy birthday (Which is, to some extent, her controlling me into hating her – yeah, messed up, I know). I shut off the phone and took out the sim card. I am going to try to not stay in touch with them at all. I have already logged myself out of the email account that they email me to – because all they do is threaten me, and make me feel guilty. I do want to talk to them, I want them to be in my world, but every time I talk to them, I feel like I don’t want to live – or like I don’t want them to live, and neither of those feelings are healthy. There is nothing I can do to change them. So I’m gonna try to stay away. Like, really stay away. And that’s gonna be hard because their nasty words were all I ever heard – so it’s all the love from them I ever got, and it feels comfortable.

So here it is, mom, I am sorry I did not get to say happy birthday to you. I would want to take a trip home and bring you flowers. But I can’t do that. I can’t even talk to you. You have always been causing me a lot of pain, and you are still hurting me now, by every one of your words. I understand it’s not your fault that you are like that, but I have to protect myself. I am sorry. I deserve more than letting you hurt me.

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