I haven't written here for a long time. And I have no idea why. I have loads of time, and yet I just don't write – sorta feel scared would be the best description. That happens sometimes and I don't know the reason. Or maybe I do. Well, the one good thing – today I was sleeping for the most of the day. I slept last night, took a nap in the early afternoon, and slept most of the later afternoon and the early evening. I am still sleepy, but I feel like I can finally function. This is good. But it does not take away the subtle weird realization that I gave up on life. It's all the same – wake up, go to class, do homework or random stuff that distracts me from it, go to bed/work, start all over again. It's all really boring. And then I will graduate at some point. And all I am gonna do is wake up, go to work, come back, make food, go to sleep. It's miserable. Both of those patterns. And yet I am completely reluctant to doing anything that will break those patterns, anything that will make my day more fun. On this pathetic note, have a good evening, people. Hope your evening is more lively than mine. I'll try to write more often – it's not a promise, but I'll make an attempt at keeping it.
Sometimes you get a few minutes in your life that you have never expected you will. Not a few minutes stolen from death – a few minutes of vacation from your routine, at a totally random time – and somehow those few minutes feel like you haven't really lived until you encounter them. You don't have anything planned, so you can do anything. You can be spontaneous and have fun. Or you can cry. Or run around and scream. Or do all of those things at once. You haven't planned what you are gonna feel like. It's a time off the chart – like when you take cash off of your account, and then forget about it, and then at some random account you find it and can spend it in a much freer way than money off of your debit card.
You come outside, earlier than you have ever been outside before. You see pearl-colored clouds and for once experience cool air. It's refreshing. The neighbor's AC makes a quiet sound. Somewhere there is a noise of maintenance equipment – which for some reason makes you feel safe because you know somewhere there are people taking care of the moment you are experiencing. You decide you need to take a picture – but then realize that you can't – because what you are experiencing is not just a visual sensation of morning colors. You start understanding that what makes the moment so precious is the sensation of the things you have more so experienced before – in a new setting – in a setting free of stress, worries, plans, decisions, and any crap that normally spoil your life.
So you feel happy and smile, surprised by the moment – and then grab your laptop to write about it. You are not sure that you will succeed – but you don't really care – you are not only describing it, you feel like you can't hold words inside. And accidentally, without noticing, you end up drawing a picture – the picture you wanted to take but couldn't, because it would make so little sense.
You sit on the porch and try to remember every single sensation before life starts. The sun is rising, coloring the leaves and the top of the roof orange, it is getting more noisy. You cannot say what fills the air with noise, but something makes you feel that the day is closer now. It is getting warmer, too, and feels more like your normal morning.
Boom! The alarm goes off and you realize that you've been taken back to life that is about to start. You are excited about the day, yet will never forget those sacred few minutes that life granted you as a gift – but you are ready for your life again – and inspired, more than ever.
And you go shut off your alarm – with a wide smile on your face – and a feeling more alive than you have in a long time.
While standing up from the porch you were sitting on, you notice your cup of water you have brought with you – and your cell phone. You forgot about both. You realize they get you back to life even more – and you stretch – looking forward to whatever the day will bring.
breathe. breathe. breathe.
life is not over yet, there's lots to do.
and you can be happy even though everybody is hurting ya.
stop looking at that crap you stepped into.
you stick your finger it it, put it right up to your face,
smell it and eat it. or look at it sadly, as though it's
the most beautiful thing in the world –
even though you know it's not.
and you are spending hours and hours
looking at it, and cursing yourself, your past and the world,
for pushing you to step into it.
or you are starting to enjoy your position,
thinking that those people are shoulder deep into that crap.
and you hate your life, but still don't make it better, because
since you're better than somebody,
that's good enough. even though that somebody is actually
stronger than you and already got out of that shoulder-high pile of crap.
and you're still admiring the small cow pie you are standing in.
you're proud it's the smallest pile of crap anybody is sitting in.
well, guess what? everybody gets out of that lil crap pile,
and you're still sitting there.
that's why yours is the smallest.
Yep, that's right – I'm up early without any particular purpose and have a couple hours before my busy day starts. I'm listening to some cool music, and got my blackberry vanilla tea instead of coffee, and my project instead of a newspaper. Hey, I do have a newspaper, just picked one up yesterday. So I can have a perfect coffee-and-newspaper morning. For a while, then I need to look at my project.
So how did this morning happen at the first place? Well, I set my alarm for 7am, and managed to wake up at that time. It was not easy, but I didn't seem to want to sleep any longer. It was light outside and seemed like some birds were singing. Then, while walking around my room wrapped up in my blanket, I started thinking whether I am awake enough to do homework, or sleepy enough to go back to bed. Since my answer was neither, I decided that I should make myself some tea, take it slow and just relax for a while.
It's great to be enjoying tea in the early morning – especially when this tea is in a transparent glass – this way you can see all the vibrancy of its color – deep red with a light shade of purple, not visible enough to see that it's really purple, but obvious enough, which prevents me from saying it's just red.
The tea is too hot, so I'm using an old binder as a lap desk, which does not look like a happy event for the binder, because it kinda melting because of the mug on it. Oh well.
What else do people do on a coffee-and-newspaper morning? Well, they write in a blog – possibly – at least that's what I ended up doing instead of reading a newspaper. Check email? Checked both, and luckily, nothing annoying, irritating or painful from my parents. In fact, nothing at all from them, which can be enough to provide for a happy morning.
I think that not reading a newspaper does not really make this morning worse – a coffee-and-newspaper kind of morning is not necessarily that much different from a coffee-and-writing kind of morning, the last one actually being even more exciting.
Now to think of it, I haven't had a morning like that for a long time – I either sleep in till noon or later, or wake up and start doing homework or playing Minecraft – or head out to do some relevant or irrelevant errands. There are no mornings to just sit, enjoy some great music and hot tea while writing something. Minecraft is fun, homework is necessary (and fun sometimes, too), but the coffee-and-newspaper mornings are necessary for me to stay sane in this crazy world.
Now that I am having this coffee-and-newspaper kind of morning, I am realizing that it is, in fact, really important to just sit and relax. And it's time to go get breakfast now!
Tonight – or, better say, last night, since it's already 2 am in the morning – while looking for some old notes for my homework, I stumbled upon a notebook that I got a couple of years ago. I completely forgot about it until two months ago, and then, after I randomly dug it out of my mess, it was just randomly laying around until I threw it on the shelf, and where it has been until today, when I randomly pulled it out together with a binder full of range management notes.
This notebook is not just notebook – it was designed by Bradley Trevor Grieve, and it is intended to inspire any sort of creative thoughts. Each page is different and the notebook gives a pleasant feeling of a creative mess. Also, on each page there are three random words, which are supposed to make you think and be creative. The idea of the notebook is pretty awesome – except for the fact that you are actually supposed to write – and not to type, since it's impossible with a paper notebook. I did try to write in it a couple of times, but the two pages of writing is the only writing the notebook carries, because I got bored and gave up writing in it.
However, I am not planning to put the notebook away like I've done thousands of times – I am planning on following through with my idea about how I could use this notebook – the idea, that came to me probably at the moment when I got the notebook, or around that time. What I am gonna do from now on is, open the notebook at a random page, write down the three words, and write – not in pen, but on the keyboard, in this very journal. I am finally accomplishing my two-year-old dream, which is kinda cool.
For all those who are wondering what the hell I am talking about, looking up "The Blue Day Notebook" by Bradley Trevor Grieve would be helpful.
Hello world, there I am again – with more of my
boring and random exciting writing for you, dear non-existent readers.
I really don't feel like writing tonight, because I feel like I kind of lost my ability to express my feelings about amazing simple things in life, which flooded my weekend to the point where it's sad that this weekend is over.
My weekend started Thursday night, because
as a very irresponsible student I slept through my Friday classes in order to show how responsible of a student I am… ^^ … and I got a three-day weekend, which was a great thing, especially considering the summer weather outside.
During this weekend – and actually the whole week – I've done lots of fun stuff that I haven't done in a long time, or ever. No, I didn't learn how to fly an airplane. But during the week I ended up realizing that I have time both to do homework and hang out with friends, while earlier I was pretty sure that I had time for neither,
because I was dumb. The highlights of the weekend were starting to work at my new cute- gross-colored blanket, cleaning some part of my room, walking around town, riding my bike, cooking a delicious lunch for breakfast, and yeah, WALKING BAREFOOT!!! I probably forgot to mention a thousand other things, but you get the idea.
And there we go. If I hadn't lost my ability to express my feelings about amazing simple things in life, I would have written here about my Saturday walk with Italian soda – but I don't feel like I can write anything particular about it, plus I am tired, and that certainly does not contribute in a good way to my ability of self-expression through writing.
Anyways, since I am almost falling asleep, soon my writing will start to look like that: asldfkja;oweibadkvalndfiae.
In order to prevent that, I'll wish you all guys good night and a happy Monday – and then will go to sleeppppppp…….. a;sldkjfaoweinaoi
……….oops….. told ya……..