A Monday morning with the raccoon.

I wake up and I stretch myself and I look at the world and… realize that it is Monday. Of course I get all excited and start jumping around because that’s what people do on Monday, right? Of course it is! I am Nolem Retaw, the little writing raccoon. THE little writing raccoon. No one here dare call me “A little writing raccoon”. It’s offensive. Because I am the only one, I write smart things, and I am important.

So anyways, today is my Monday and I spend it like every other human as you saw at the beginning of my unique and beautiful piece of art about me. Why? Well, because I am following the perfect correct logic. Humans can write. I can write. I am a human. There we go. Perfectly legible and true. What are you saying? My argument is not valid? Nonsense.

Anyways, where was I? Yes, my Monday. So what do people do in the morning? Yes of course, they prepare cold fish soup which is apparently called coffee and go for a walk carrying their soup in a bowl. Humans are weird, really, because raccoons drink this hot drink named coffee – which is delicious and makes much more sense. But this is another story, and I will try to make my fish soup now.

What do they do? Well, apparently they take frozen raw fish, put it in a blender and get something they call coffee. How else would they make this frozen thing of white or pink color? They are stupid to call it coffee, really. It is obviously fish soup and humans know nothing about things in this world. The thing that proves it is that they carry soup in a cup. Who carries soup in a glass? It’s retarted and gross!

So, as my morning is slowly going by, I am realizing humans have no idea about this world whatsoever. It is kind of a pathetic thought, really.  I think I need to teach humans how to live life so that they would enjoy it more. Meh, they prolly won’t learn anything even if I try hard and do my best.

Okay. So my morning is over and I need to do something fun instead of following miserable ways of humans. Coffee. Of course I need coffee. Real coffee. Not the frozen fish soup humans call coffee.

For that, I need my real morning to be there. Real morning starts when I can see stars on the sky. So I’ll have to wait for them for quite a while, so I’ll go take a nap.


Raccoon: introducing myself

Hi! That's me again – a little writing raccoon! Or should I say THE little because of how much you all love me? No, I should introduce myself so that my devoted fans and followers would know how to address me. So there, I am Nolem the little writing raccoon. My name is amazing, despite – no, exactly because it is my attempt to read the word watermelon backwards. How smart is this? I look at an empty bottle from lipton diet green tea with watermelon flavor and come up with a name. Nolem The Writing Raccoon. I was too lazy to read the second part. R. E. T. A. W. Alright. I guess I can be Nolem Retaw, The Little Writing Raccoon. I like that. It's beautiful. It has a sound of freedom to it. You can't find it? It doesn't matter. Go eat a watermelon and stop asking stupid questions about my creativity. Anyways, gotta go do my important raccoon business. I have my life, too, outside of that genius writing stuff. How would I write everything if all I did was write? I'll come back soon, with more stuff for you.

Raccoon, fleas, and coffee.

I'm a little writing raccoon. That's right. I'm a raccoon who can write. I write a lot. About anything I see. Like, there's a cup of cold, coffee next to me. The freshness of it is very questionable. It might start growing mold any second. But it's still drinkable. So I'll drink it. There are clouds in the sky. And they should cover the sun so that there would not be 105 F outside. Temperatures like this can set my fur on fire, and ill be running around bald until I grow more fur. Though it might be the nature's way to help me get rid of my fur coat so that I could cool off faster. Or maybe nature does not do that. Maybe the coffee is growing a special kind of mold, which gives me hallucinations. Mold is related to mushrooms. Mushrooms can give you hallucinations. So can mold. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just falling asleep because the mold grows and eats out all the caffeine. Evil mold. Nobody and nothing can steal my caffeine from me! Yes, that's right! I'm an evil raccoon, I don't like when my caffeine gets stolen. I have a scratch on my paw. I don't know where it came from. Or maybe it's just a hallucination. You remember the whole coffee deal, right? Well, if not, I won't explain for the second time. You can go back to the beginning and reread the stuff. I like writing, but I get bored when I have to explain something a lot of times – especially about coffee – because if I do that, it might inspire you to steal my caffeine – and that would be bad… for you, because I'll get mad. See how much the little writing raccoon cares about you, dear readers? No, I don't really care about you. I don't want my caffeine being stolen. Period. Telling you that I care about you basically implies that you don't want to steal my coffee because consequences will follow – that is, I care only about me and my coffee – and threaten you so that you would not steal my caffeine from me, whether you are a bison, or random indecisive mold which does not know whether it should grow or not. And the consequences are really scary, so you don't want to know them. They will follow for sure – that is, if you are the one trying to steal my coffee from me. If you are the one bringing me coffee, you'll get a fuzzy hug. Well, if you are the one stealing coffee, you will get a fuzzy hug too, and a thanks from me for trying to rid me of my caffeine addiction. Scary, huh? You don't want to hear me say thanks. It is scary as heck. I smile, stare at you and say thanks. And fuzzy hugs are even more scary! Why? No, I don't have fleas. But how can it be fun to hug a fuzzy animal and not start itching at once? Fleas are cute! But if you want some, you'll have to go talk to my coffee – it might know better. I don't have them. That is, my fur probably does. I don't. Yes, my fur does have them. Listen! They are talking! Oh no… they are talking about stealing my coffee from me. Well, that's no fun. My coffee will be gone, and my fleas will be gone because they will not need me anymore. They have as much of a caffeine addiction as I do. Wait. What is the difference between fleas and coffee? And how did I start talking about coffee and now I'm talking about my imaginary friends – fleas? I have a lot of friends – you won't be able to see them, but they are there. Just look around – they make so much happy noise! They bring fleas and put them in my coffee. Have I told you I am old? I think I was born yesterday actually – but I am older than those who were born today. Much older. A day consists of twenty-four years, right? So if I was born at the beginning of yesterday, I will be forty eight years older than somebody who will be born at the end of today. I think a plant started growing out of my coffee. Oh no! My cow is eating it. It looks like a flea though. Did coffee shrink me and I see mold starting to grow and think it is the size of me? Or is it a flower pot sitting next to me? Dirt indeed looks like coffee. Hmmm. How do you distinguish between coffee and dirt? I actually don't think there is any difference. Fleas will steal and eat either.