I want snow. Cool weather, and snow and no more sun and heat. Then everybody wears a mop of snowy hair, and looks somewhat like a cat that ran out of a shower that has been forced on it. People look funny, cute, fresh, happy, and miserable all at the same time – just like that cat. And if they are complaining about how much they hate the snow, while holding on to their ears, swearing at the weather, the middle of nowhere called Nebraska – and themselves for having shown the stupidity of not bringing a hat – that makes them look even more cute and Christmasy, even if they are trying to look all fierce and world-hating. And then you pick up some snow, make a firm crunchy ball and throw it at one of your friends who has that cat-look – and you both end up in a snow fight, too busy to swear at the weather anymore. And then blankets and hot chocolate – a huge mug of this goodness held tight by your red happy warming-up fingers. And then you sit on the furnace, because it becomes your sole source of happiness after which you go to Walmart because you want to get yourself a hat, because you realize you misplaced the one you thought you had, and you get the cheapest hat, and it sits all funny on your head, slides sideways and exposes your ears to the very-much-hated-yet-loved Christmas weather. You curse the weather, take off the hat and continue walking with your ears falling off from cold – and smile because it is still a better feeling then a hat falling off. Then you go inside and put on your hat – because everybody is wearing hats, and it just feels cosy – only for a few minutes though until your hat starts sliding off and then you take it off and throw it against the wall, grieving about the fact that it won't hurt it any – because by now you are starting to hate your hat more than the weather. And then you look out of the window – it went dark, the street lights are on, and huge snowflakes are slowly floating obeying the force of gravity – and at this exact moment you realize that you can give the world for a mop of snowy hair. You run outside. You look into the sky and you can't move – homework, people, sleep – nothing matters anymore. You are mesmerized by the blanket the sky is covering the earth with. The snowflakes appear out of nowhere, the size of sand – and then they grow bigger and bigger – until they fall on your nose and cheeks, making those hurt and creating a smile on your face without you realizing it. You are starting to get cold – but it really does not matter. You walk a few more steps on the fresh-fallen shiny and crunchy snow trying to absorb what's around you – and comprehend what is happening to you. Suddenly you start running around and laughing – bathing in that fresh sea of snow. You feel happy – not for any particular reason – you just feel good and you don't need anything else in your life. Then you look at the clock – you have a night shift to work – and it's time for you to go get ready for it. You leave the heaven – a little bit sad that it's over – but understanding that if it went longer, it would have gotten old. You feel ready to leave the miracle and face the life – and you are confident that you are strong enough to deal with it. You think about your night shift – and smile.
I walked by a shrub. Something in it moved.
I looked at it. Something went quiet.
I moved. Something moved again.
– Hey, – I said.
– Hey, – echoed Something.
– Who are you? – I asked.
– Who are you? – said Something.
– A… being… – I said.
The shrub was quiet. I moved.
Something moved and asked "Why?"
– Because I am, – I said.
– Wrong, – said Something.
– Who are you? – I asked.
Something was quiet.
I turned away. Something moved again.
– Hey, – Something said.
– Yes? – I replied.
– Why do you want to know who I am? – Something asked me.
Now I went quiet and started to think. Why does it matter? Was I scared of Something? Definitely. Did I know how to talk to it? Probably not. Was I going to treat Something differently after it answered my question? Sure. Was I afraid Something will treat me differently after I tell it who I am? Most likely. That's why I said I am a being. But really, who am I? A human, a girl, a college student, a worker, a person with a bruised past. Would I treat myself differently if I did not know any of that? Would I be more free? I froze. I had a world of opportunities in front of me, which I dismissed only because of the labels I gave myself. And here is Something. It does not care who I am. It just wants to talk to me. It does not want to find out who I am in order to measure how much of its hate it wants to give me. Maybe I should not be giving myself my own hate either? I don't even know half of the meaning of the labels I have, let alone whether there is any particular meaning to them at all. Maybe I should get to know myself first, and then fill my labels with meaning, rather than trying to fit in them?
– You meant, why I want to know who you are, didn't you? – I asked.
– Correct, – Something said.
– I don't know, – I said.
– I love you, – Something said.
– I love you too, – I said, feeling that I did not have to know who the creature was for me to say that.
Something moved again. I went quiet.
A rabbit jumped out of the shrub and looked at me. I took out my camera and the rabbit ran away. I got back to pruning my daisies – with a life lesson learned.
I am having a three-day weekend. This is nice. But I never thought of how bittersweet it was gonna be. Apart from feeling like my previous life is over, I celebrated this morning with a stream of memories out of nowhere, memories related to May.
Five years ago I graduated from high school. Three years ago I was getting ready for an adventure of my life. Two years ago I thought I will never see my friends again. A year ago I was thinking I was gonna be a music major, was confused about everything in my life and dealing with all sorts of crap and pain – and empty hopes.
This year I feel like an era of my life is over. I am beginning a new life. No, it's not the sort of "tomorrow I'm starting a new life" sort of thing. It just happened. I figured out my major. I let go of some unhealthy relationships. I cut my hair the way I always wanted to. I started to keep track of where my money goes. I feel ready to get a place of my own.
And here I am, standing all by myself, and realizing that I don't have – and don't need – anybody to make my choices for me, because I am an adult and I am ready to make my decisions and take responsibility for my choices. I am strong enough.
This weekend I fully realized that I am an adult. It is both exciting and scary, but I am up for the challenge.
The connection of memories and present is very bittersweet thought. Memories made me fully realize that an era of my life is over, and my life is never gonna be the same as it was. Which is both bad and good.
Moving on from unhealthy relationships is painful since it means losing people that meant a lot in my life. As time goes, people move away and I will not see them again, so some friendships just break by themselves making me doubt whether those were friendships. As time goes, I am learning to stop pretending to be who I am not, which made me more and more different from my friends, which makes friendships fade away. It is painful let go of people in your life, even if you know that it's inevitable or it is something you need to do, be it friends, parents, or guys.
The good – I feel like I let go of a HUGE and PAINFUL chunk of my life. I am not pretending this pain did not exist, but I am not dwelling on it as much anymore, and this is good enough. The pain is not gone, and never will be, but I would have never been able to become the person I am now without my past. My past is important. Everything that happened in my past is important. All the people I met in my past are important. But it is time to move on now, which I have never thought I would be able to do. I am sure I will have to face even more challenges and more pain in future, but I am also gonna be better equipped to deal with it.
I am not saying there is no more pain in my life – that would be a lie. I am not saying I am confident about the fact that I completely let go of my past – that would be a lie, too. I am not saying I started to make my decisions easily and stopped needing any help – that would be another lie.
People live in society and need each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of it. People care for each other – I have yet to understand the true meaning of that one, too. People love and forgive – and I have yet to learn this one.
Life is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. People do the best they know. I need to be as good as I can be, not better or worse than others. I gotta be me. I have the whole life to learn how to.
Everybody is trying to be different from anybody else. However, we need to remember that humans are social creatures, and do what everybody does – yes, different combinations and variations, but still we do what everybody does, and if we oppose something, then we act like that bunch of people who opposes that something. When we are trying to be different – we are just joining the bunch of people who want to be different, and we are like them. Saying that, there is no wrong or right way to act (as long as we are not purposefully hurting people) – there are a limited number of ways we can act, neither of which is better than the other, and we are free to choose. That would be theory though. Our choices are limited by our traditions and by what we think others will think. You will probably say you don't care what others think? Wrong! If you act like you don't care, people will think that you are weird, and that's exactly what you want – to think you are weird. But then again, there are some more people like you, and you are actually acting like them. Our weirdness is, too, limited by our traditions. We will not do the weirdness we have never seen. We will be only the kind of weird our society thinks to be weird. We don't realize that our society is, in fact, insanely weird to some other society.
This all seems depressing and looks like it limits our choices to those existing. Not really. The choices are like letters from the alphabet – if you are going to add new letters, you are going to screw up the alphabet. However, you can use those letters to write as many words and as much text as you like, and you choose the contents. Our life is an essay – made out of those choices. And we are free – free to write whatever we want, because all the choices are human, and none are better or worse than the other.
The deep black hole is still too close and can get me again, and it probably will. But I feel that I got out and moved past it – in an instance. And now I am looking back, and I cannot believe that I was in that hole, and never noticed that I was, in fact, in a hole, because now, as I look back, I see how deep, scary and black that hole is. When I was in this hole, I was surrounded by darkness, so I did not really see how dark and horrible the hole was, and if I saw that at times, I could not get out. Now I can see it clearly, and I can see how hard it is to not fall there again, because I've been there too long, because it feels too comfy there, and nothing else really feels like home except for the black hole – but not because the hole is awesome, but because I haven't really seen anything else. I feel like I finally have fresh air to breathe even though I never had any idea how I needed it, nor do I have any idea what to do with it now. Getting some fresh air is a good feeling though. I only hope that I don't fall in that hole again – or if I do, that I can get out faster.
P.S. No, I did not just get out of the hole – I dug myself out from under the ground, where I feel like I have been all my life. And now, if I fall there again, I will still see the light and know how to get out.
Imagine the world was upside down – or, better say inside out. Then we would think of the round Earth as an unrealistic opposition.
We would go to school, and want to study, and it would be hard for us to resist doing homework, and we would get A's for slacking.
The world would function during the night, and would be quiet during the day.
Men would be women, and women would be men, and all the people would walk on their heads and ears and see with their feet.
We would hate going to a bar and love going to work. We would drink beer at work, and aimlessly stare at our e-mail accounts while at the bar.
Standing would be the fastest way of moving as opposed to the slowest – flying on an airplane.
We would love eating fruit, but it would not be healthy, so everybody would eat the healthy McD's junk food.
We would think of silence as music, and of music as senseless silence.
Everyone will love taking a shower, but the shower would make you dirty, so you would have to take effort to avoid it.
Cows would eat you, and you would eat mountain lions.
Backwards would mean forward, and forward would mean backwards.
Everybody would not be himself/herself, but rather everybody else would represent this person, while the person would represent everybody else.
Darkness would be light, and light would be darkness.
Church would be sin, and the evil would be proper.
People would kill for fun, and hug to hurt others.
Life would mean curse, death would mean fulfilment and happiness.
Having too much or too little would be great, having just enough would be wrong.
Babies would be smarter than their parents, and become stupid as they age.
A book would be a sign of stupidity, and staring at a TV would make you smarter.
Silence would mean communication, communication would mean mistreating others.
War would be quiet and blissful, peace would bring unhappiness.
You would not want love, you would want pain.
Your eyes would look inside instead of outside and would have a vague idea of what's out there.
Reality would be fake, and imagination real.
You are now thinking that you just imagined this, I just told you what's real.