Today is kinda crappy. And the fact that it's "kinda" crappy, makes it even more crappy. You wake up in the morning/afternoon, feeling like you haven't slept a minute even though you slept for like 10 hours. Then you go outside, and yesterday's Christmas wonderland turned into a melting spring mess, miserably lit by a spring-looking setting sun.
When you finally reach your favorite cofee house, and order some delicious food, your life does not seem as miselable anymore, but then you are done with food, and you face a past due lab report that you need to write, and an upcoming final that you need to study for, and the realization that everything that melted during the day, will turn into a people-hating skating rink by the evening- and your life once again drowns in a pool of unfortunateness.
There are different kinds of morning. The one when you wake up at 7am +- and wondering how come you are not dead yet because you are feeling as close to that as an alive human being can – the normal morning. The one when you wake up late at night and it's already dark – then you regret losing your day – the upside down morning. And the one when you wake up between evening and afternoon – then you feel like you don't know where you are at – it feels like you woke up too late and too early at the same time – the weird morning. You feel like you got too much sleep. You feel like you did not get enough sleep. You feel guilty in front of yourself for sleeping in and for sleeping not enough. You don't know where that much light comes from, yet wondering why it is not sunrise.
So you just stare at your computer hoping your day to start make any sense. And sure it does not. It never does. Eventually you come to the point where you just don't care and get off of your butt to get ready for a social obligation you gotta show up at – forcing yourself to eat, to make your hair look not like morning hair – and being thankful for the social obligation to make you move around.
Good mornaftevenoon everybody!
I want fall. You know, that time when you get to hate and love mornings because they are so cold. When it is fascinating outside because you get to run in the rain and walk on crunchy leaves and look forward to getting back to your house and drinking hot chocolate. When the sun is so beautiful, yet sad-looking. When you get to wear your hat and sweatshirt, and come to class with a big mug of very hot coffee that sitll does not feel hot enough. When you get to sit on your couch wrapped up in a blanket and watch the rain while the sky is getting dark and the orange street lights replace the sun. When it's so miserable outside you hate it – yet you think it's the most amazing weather ever. When you constantly feel happy-sad just because of bittersweet weather, yet never want it to be over. And even though it's still warm outside, you still start feeling this last part and smiling because it's the best feeling ever – and because it will get even better soon.
Middle of the week. I am in a miserable allergic state of mind – and body. Runny nose affects my brain, and the latter one refuses to think and tries to command my body to attempt to conjure a blanket from air so that I could hide in it from the world and then disappear with the blanket like those wizards do in their robe – and appear somewhere on a little quiet island without allergens or classes anywhere in sight.
And of course you end up going hiking for your lab, which makes you more tired and increases your allergies, and kicks your brain out to the point where you don't remember what those plants are called. And then, just when you think the fun is over – you get handed a rose made of condoms by some random representative of healthcare services, which makes it all awkward to walk down the hallway because you inevitably feel like everybody is staring at you even if they don't.
And then you want to take a nap, but you don't wanna bother – so you lay down on your bed without taking off your boots, and start typing random stuff – when suddenly your phone scares the crap outta you because you set a rattlesnake ringtone for your facebook alerts.
And the day isn't even half over…
It feels like one of those november evenings. You wake up and you don't know where you are. It's dark outside and yellowish orange glow of street lights floods your room. You realize you have been sleep deprived so you took a nap in the afternoon, which apparently did not help much because your body decided to take not long enough of a nap and your mind was conveniently for the body bothered by random stuff that started to bother you as soon as your body decided to take a break from the nap. And then there you are – half-awake, half-asleep, trying to figure out what day it is and what the heck you are supposed to do. It's not too late at night yet, so you hear neighbors walking and talking. You look out of the window and expect to see fresh fallen snow – and see none, which makes you remember that it's still summer out. The problem is – November was so long ago that you forgot what you normally did on those gloomy sleep-deprived November evenings.
You turn on Pandora, hoping to wake up. Don't Stop Believing comes up. Interestingly, however depressed you are, you are realizing – you didn't die. There is a house to clean though, and school to get ready for. And maybe life is not that bad after all.
And there is a shopping list to write. Well, back to life I guess.
I want snow. Cool weather, and snow and no more sun and heat. Then everybody wears a mop of snowy hair, and looks somewhat like a cat that ran out of a shower that has been forced on it. People look funny, cute, fresh, happy, and miserable all at the same time – just like that cat. And if they are complaining about how much they hate the snow, while holding on to their ears, swearing at the weather, the middle of nowhere called Nebraska – and themselves for having shown the stupidity of not bringing a hat – that makes them look even more cute and Christmasy, even if they are trying to look all fierce and world-hating. And then you pick up some snow, make a firm crunchy ball and throw it at one of your friends who has that cat-look – and you both end up in a snow fight, too busy to swear at the weather anymore. And then blankets and hot chocolate – a huge mug of this goodness held tight by your red happy warming-up fingers. And then you sit on the furnace, because it becomes your sole source of happiness after which you go to Walmart because you want to get yourself a hat, because you realize you misplaced the one you thought you had, and you get the cheapest hat, and it sits all funny on your head, slides sideways and exposes your ears to the very-much-hated-yet-loved Christmas weather. You curse the weather, take off the hat and continue walking with your ears falling off from cold – and smile because it is still a better feeling then a hat falling off. Then you go inside and put on your hat – because everybody is wearing hats, and it just feels cosy – only for a few minutes though until your hat starts sliding off and then you take it off and throw it against the wall, grieving about the fact that it won't hurt it any – because by now you are starting to hate your hat more than the weather. And then you look out of the window – it went dark, the street lights are on, and huge snowflakes are slowly floating obeying the force of gravity – and at this exact moment you realize that you can give the world for a mop of snowy hair. You run outside. You look into the sky and you can't move – homework, people, sleep – nothing matters anymore. You are mesmerized by the blanket the sky is covering the earth with. The snowflakes appear out of nowhere, the size of sand – and then they grow bigger and bigger – until they fall on your nose and cheeks, making those hurt and creating a smile on your face without you realizing it. You are starting to get cold – but it really does not matter. You walk a few more steps on the fresh-fallen shiny and crunchy snow trying to absorb what's around you – and comprehend what is happening to you. Suddenly you start running around and laughing – bathing in that fresh sea of snow. You feel happy – not for any particular reason – you just feel good and you don't need anything else in your life. Then you look at the clock – you have a night shift to work – and it's time for you to go get ready for it. You leave the heaven – a little bit sad that it's over – but understanding that if it went longer, it would have gotten old. You feel ready to leave the miracle and face the life – and you are confident that you are strong enough to deal with it. You think about your night shift – and smile.
Sometimes you get a few minutes in your life that you have never expected you will. Not a few minutes stolen from death – a few minutes of vacation from your routine, at a totally random time – and somehow those few minutes feel like you haven't really lived until you encounter them. You don't have anything planned, so you can do anything. You can be spontaneous and have fun. Or you can cry. Or run around and scream. Or do all of those things at once. You haven't planned what you are gonna feel like. It's a time off the chart – like when you take cash off of your account, and then forget about it, and then at some random account you find it and can spend it in a much freer way than money off of your debit card.
You come outside, earlier than you have ever been outside before. You see pearl-colored clouds and for once experience cool air. It's refreshing. The neighbor's AC makes a quiet sound. Somewhere there is a noise of maintenance equipment – which for some reason makes you feel safe because you know somewhere there are people taking care of the moment you are experiencing. You decide you need to take a picture – but then realize that you can't – because what you are experiencing is not just a visual sensation of morning colors. You start understanding that what makes the moment so precious is the sensation of the things you have more so experienced before – in a new setting – in a setting free of stress, worries, plans, decisions, and any crap that normally spoil your life.
So you feel happy and smile, surprised by the moment – and then grab your laptop to write about it. You are not sure that you will succeed – but you don't really care – you are not only describing it, you feel like you can't hold words inside. And accidentally, without noticing, you end up drawing a picture – the picture you wanted to take but couldn't, because it would make so little sense.
You sit on the porch and try to remember every single sensation before life starts. The sun is rising, coloring the leaves and the top of the roof orange, it is getting more noisy. You cannot say what fills the air with noise, but something makes you feel that the day is closer now. It is getting warmer, too, and feels more like your normal morning.
Boom! The alarm goes off and you realize that you've been taken back to life that is about to start. You are excited about the day, yet will never forget those sacred few minutes that life granted you as a gift – but you are ready for your life again – and inspired, more than ever.
And you go shut off your alarm – with a wide smile on your face – and a feeling more alive than you have in a long time.
While standing up from the porch you were sitting on, you notice your cup of water you have brought with you – and your cell phone. You forgot about both. You realize they get you back to life even more – and you stretch – looking forward to whatever the day will bring.
Oh this sweet morning when you wake up with a mixed feeling of hating yourself for not getting enough sleep, wanting to go back to bed, and wanting to challenge yourself to get through this day like all mortals – and realizing that you really have only one choice, because otherwise you're gonna miss out on all the fun – and nobody would let you do anything else other than staying awake anyways – which is part of the fun.
It takes you no more than two minutes to get out of bed because you are told to go outside and look at the gorgeous icicles on the frozen irrigation system – and yes, you drag yourself outta bed, still hating yourself for going to bed late, but excited about the great weekend you are having, the fun day that is coming up, and the icicles to look at. It takes a short walk outside – wearing just a sweatshirt – to almost fully wake up: the cold outside does not welcome those who don't get enough sleep.
You come back to the house, eat a couple of pancakes which seem like the best pancakes in the whole world, with a big smile drink a cup of coffee in the hope of warming up and staying awake, and sit in front of your computer, thinking how awesome of a morning you've had, and how much more fun this day will be.