Today is kinda crappy. And the fact that it's "kinda" crappy, makes it even more crappy. You wake up in the morning/afternoon, feeling like you haven't slept a minute even though you slept for like 10 hours. Then you go outside, and yesterday's Christmas wonderland turned into a melting spring mess, miserably lit by a spring-looking setting sun.
When you finally reach your favorite cofee house, and order some delicious food, your life does not seem as miselable anymore, but then you are done with food, and you face a past due lab report that you need to write, and an upcoming final that you need to study for, and the realization that everything that melted during the day, will turn into a people-hating skating rink by the evening- and your life once again drowns in a pool of unfortunateness.
So there's the Thanksgiving break. Yay. Congratulations to those who are excited about Turkey, Christmas trees, sleeping in their own bed, and getting yelled at by lovely parents! You will finally get a few days of your heaven.
A few hours after the classes are done, the dorms are empty and I am sitting here listening to old music and working – making sure that ghosts don't attack the remaining students on campus. I had already a few miserable hours earlier this day, but now it suddenly all went away and I feel like I am finally getting to do what I want: as the last students are leaving the dorms, I am exposed to an almost completely quiet dorm, having the whole lobby all to myself – to relax, think, and enjoy a few stressless hours surrounded by the blanket of Matchbox Twenty Pandora Station. And somehow the song comes up, and the verse blossoms in my head: "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" It is not related at all to neither to the station, nor to my mood – but somehow this song is insanely sad and hopeful at the same time.
So I have a long night shift. I could watch Dollhouse – a totally boring, but for some reason interesting TV-show, I could play minecraft – that is, in case I find a mouse, or I could work some more at my unhappy and unsuccessful NaNoWriMo novel. Or I could do neither. Or! I could do homework!
The best part of tonight is, at the end of the shift I will get sleep – as much as I want to, unlimited, I will not have to wake up to go to class. So I get to relax – and look forward to more rest.
I remember my Christmas break my Sophomore year. It was really cold. Now to think of it, I remember my Thanksgiving my Sophomore year too. And it was cold too. I don't remember much of Junior year off of top of my head. But it was cold. And now it's warm. Somehow does not feel right. But I have netflix and minecraft. Those should fix it.
You don't realize how much crap life is until you realize that it, indeed, is. Good evening everyone. It seems I am getting into a habit of writing on my crappiest evenings. Well then, I see that part of my unhappiness were shoes and socks on my feet and now that they are gone – I am feeling a bit better.
Ok, what's next?… Yes, something related to tea and music. Or maybe apple cider. But I am too lazy for that, so just music. Yeah, have I ever told you that Matchbox Twenty is a bunch of genius people? If not, you should check them out. Amazing band.
I want to wake up tomorrow and see snow. And run around and catch snowflakes with my mouth and be happy. I used to be like that. Like a little happy kid which I have never gotten a chance to be.
Well it's four o'clock in the morning, and I am hungry and tired and fully awake all at the same time. All because my schedule is so screwed up and it is going to be, even more than that. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so I should just have fun with it. And of course, one of the things I can do is write in my blog. So that's what I am doing. And this looks like a very boring and pointless entry in my blog.
To add to the pointlessness of this entry – today I almost fell into a tote.
I haven't written here for a long time. And I have no idea why. I have loads of time, and yet I just don't write – sorta feel scared would be the best description. That happens sometimes and I don't know the reason. Or maybe I do. Well, the one good thing – today I was sleeping for the most of the day. I slept last night, took a nap in the early afternoon, and slept most of the later afternoon and the early evening. I am still sleepy, but I feel like I can finally function. This is good. But it does not take away the subtle weird realization that I gave up on life. It's all the same – wake up, go to class, do homework or random stuff that distracts me from it, go to bed/work, start all over again. It's all really boring. And then I will graduate at some point. And all I am gonna do is wake up, go to work, come back, make food, go to sleep. It's miserable. Both of those patterns. And yet I am completely reluctant to doing anything that will break those patterns, anything that will make my day more fun. On this pathetic note, have a good evening, people. Hope your evening is more lively than mine. I'll try to write more often – it's not a promise, but I'll make an attempt at keeping it.
There are different kinds of morning. The one when you wake up at 7am +- and wondering how come you are not dead yet because you are feeling as close to that as an alive human being can – the normal morning. The one when you wake up late at night and it's already dark – then you regret losing your day – the upside down morning. And the one when you wake up between evening and afternoon – then you feel like you don't know where you are at – it feels like you woke up too late and too early at the same time – the weird morning. You feel like you got too much sleep. You feel like you did not get enough sleep. You feel guilty in front of yourself for sleeping in and for sleeping not enough. You don't know where that much light comes from, yet wondering why it is not sunrise.
So you just stare at your computer hoping your day to start make any sense. And sure it does not. It never does. Eventually you come to the point where you just don't care and get off of your butt to get ready for a social obligation you gotta show up at – forcing yourself to eat, to make your hair look not like morning hair – and being thankful for the social obligation to make you move around.
Good mornaftevenoon everybody!
So there's my second day of vacation gone by. I have two more weeks of vacation. The funny thing though, I was looking forward to my vacation and every day was thinking about it. And now I'm almost bored. I do understand that I took this time to catch up with sleep, get ready for school and do fun stuff – and those two weeks are gonna go by like a second. I think my problem is that I forgot how to relax and have fun. I work too much, get exhausted, and hate myself – and then, when it's all gone, I feel like it's empty. I don't know how to have fun and what to do.
Ok, so I was gonna make a bracelet. Clean my house, fully unpack, and decorate the walls. Get more furniture. Figure out what else I need for my house. I could read a book. I could take more pictures and learn something new about photography. Yeah, I need to be collecting plants too. And do some office stuff downtown. And and and and. So. I am still not doing anything and bored.
Well I could change that. I should write a goal list for each day and accomplish it – and do whatever in the time that's left. This way, I'll be getting stuff done, and the value of doing whatever will be noticeably higher.
But now I want chocolate. Or a candy bar. Also, I could use a walk. So I should take a walk to get myself a candy bar! But I'm so sleepy… Maybe I should have a cup of tea and go to bed.
Time goes by really fast. Faster than I realize. Today I was talking to my employers about when my last day of my summer job will be. One of them mentioned that time goes by fast, and I did not pay attention to that. However, now it got to me pretty bad. A bigger part of summer is gone, then a little bit of work, my two week vacation (that I am looking forward to), and school starts again.
Sometimes I wish that my life was as easy as – well, nobody has an easy life I guess. No, I don't want my life easy. Easy life is boring. But I want to be able to solve things. I am ok with it being hard to solve things, but I wish it was at least possible. Sometimes you have a cloud that you can't really push away, and it just keeps sitting above you and raining H2SO4 on you. And whatever good of an umbrella you pick up, you gotta face the cloud someday. The umbrellas will be burnt one by one, and you will run out. And then you are standing under that rain and thinking what to do next. And you can't do anything really. You are just like everybody else, unprotected under this cloud raining life. And you cannot do a freaking thing.
It's been a few times already when I've wanted to take my camera
into the wilderness to Wilson park and take a few pictures here and there. However, every time I find myself thinking of that, I end up deciding that I am too busy for that, and I'd better do my homework, which I never do anyways.
So there I am, sitting around, not doing anything, and not taking pictures either. It is actually kinda sad, since I love taking pictures, and haven't done it in a long while already, and miss it pretty bad. I really should fix that….