A random morning post

I’ve been noticing lately the value of quiet time in my life, and I’ve been realizing that I need much more of it than I think. It is interesting to be suddenly learning facts like this about yourself. I came to the science building and I saw that it’s almost empty – except for an occasional student here and there. Being in a quiet building this early in the morning made me feel peaceful – and almost ecstatic – because it’s so nice and quiet and I can relax my mind.

Earlier this morning, I went out of the dorm after the ending of my night shift, and noticed how warm it has gotten outside. It’s almost the middle of march. A month and a half till summer. A month and a half to catch up with everything I am behind on. It can be done. I know it can be. But whether I will find enough power in myself to do it, and enough love for myself to care about my education – is another question.

Today is a good morning though. I am in a reasonably positive mood, with reasonable hopes to get a little stuff accomplished – as long as my tired body allows me to. I am accepting the world and myself to the best of my ability. It’s not much, but it’s something that I don’t get to feel often. So I am content and relieved – this hour, and maybe even more than one hour, I get to be not bothered by the problems of the past or worried about the future. Instead, I get a mental break from it all – and enjoy the quiet surrounding me now, as well as my good hopes for the day.

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The years I will never get back

So many people talk about their childhood as a happy time, their teenagehood – as time of fun and stupidity, so many people want to come back to the time when they had that fun life in their family and did not have to deal with harsh circumstances of reality. For me anything that was up to the time when I was nineteen feels like a lost time that I will never get back. I was not allowed to have fun. I was not allowed to do what I want. I was expected to want to be an A-student – which I was – paying the price of my own life, spending time being a puppet for my parents. There is nothing in my childhood or teenagehood that I would want to come back to. I existed, but never lived. I was not allowed to feel or think for myself.

I lost nineteen years of my life. I will never get them back. They are the games I never got to play, the jokes I never got to laugh at, the friends I never got to hang out with, the fun I never got to have, the challenges and the experiences I never got to face, the freedom and care-free life I never got to enjoy, the sincere feelings I was never allowed to feel and express, and the unconditionally loving words and hugs that were never given to me by my parents – those are just some of the little tomb stones in honor of those lost years – the first and most important nineteen years of my life – the years I will never get back.

I had all the things I could want – but never  what I really needed. And every step, every second of my life, I feel that I will never get back what was lost during those nineteen years. I’ll just have to move on somehow – grieving on the tomb stone of the nineteen years that fell victims to domestic abuse, learning to understand that none of that was my fault, learning to trust, forgive, accept, and respect myself and those who surround me, learning to give myself and people a chance, learning to live a normal life with feelings, emotions, pain, happiness, love, and hope – while coming to terms with the fact that my past was horrible, did happen, and to a point will always affect my life; and then learning to respect myself for enduring that past – and others for the past they had.

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It’s gonna be a long road that I am not sure will have an end. I will have to learn to love myself the way I am. I will have to give myself a chance. I will have to find the power deep inside me to believe I can be happy despite my past. I owe that to myself, because I am a free human being and I need to learn what it means. It will be so much worth it.

To my blog!

Lately I’ve been feeling like my blog is dying. I mean, I write something every once in a while, but I don’t really want to or feel the need to. I don’t think this happening can be a good thing. I want to change this, but I don’t really know how. What I might do is dig out an old journal that had random words on each page and write on those. Or I could try writing a fiction story in lots of parts. Or I could make my life more interesting – so that I would actually have something to base non fiction off of. Or maybe I should start writing about things that I normally don’t write about. There are so many things that I could do for my blog to stay alive – and for me to have fun. And probably, I will.

 

My journey of growing a rose

March is here and today is the first night when the farenheits did not go below freezing. Most likely there are still lots of freezing nights to come – but still, I’m pretty happy about this night. Weather.com says today will be really warm. That means, I will put my rose outside in the morning and let it stay there till the evening.

For those who have not heard, around Valentine’s day on a whim I got myself a miniature rose at Walmart. I always had a dream of growing one inside, but as time went, I learned that roses are almost impossible to be grown inside – so this time I just decided to keep it alive until it’s warm inside to get it outside. Having an apartment at the first floor makes the last part easier than it has ever been.

My experience with my rose started with putting the pot at the window and opening the blinds and not watering the rose since it seemed well watered already. That did not work that well, because two days later half of its leaves turned yellow and were falling off. That’s when I learned that normal care does not work for keeping roses inside, and altered my care for the rose using the internet and common sense. At that point, however, I was feeling like I would lose the plant.

My first step was to replant the rose in a big pot with good soil and water it well. Second, I put it under a fluorescent lamp at my house. I watched what it did for a couple of days, while debating whether the plant is strong enough to handle flowers that it had or if I should remove them. The plant stopped getting yellow leaves and started producing new growth. It also seemed to not be able to handle flowers and the flowers were dying off – both the opened and unopened ones, so eventually I removed the remaining yellow leaves and the dying flowers – and got a beautiful, fully green rose shrub. Since then I’ve been keeping in under light 24/7, trying to give it at least a few hours of a dark phase – but it does not seem to be doing well with 8 hours of dark in 24. I’ve also been misting it with water at least once a day, as well as keeping the soil damp.

As the days started to get warmer, with the temperature at least above 40F, I started taking the plant outside for a few hours for it to get sunlight and air circulation around it. The plant appears to like it and I can’t wait when it gets even warmer and I get to keep the plant outside – so that it could grow dark green leaves instead of pale green ones.

So, hopefully, this time my dream comes true and I manage to keep this beautiful plant from the family of Rosaceae not only alive – but also happy – for a long time.

There is the last thing left – I need to come up with a name for my rose. I want to name her Amelia – but I’m thinking it will make the whole project less scientific than it is.