Girl, what did they do to you?

This is a letter from me now, to myself a few years ago, inspired by a random conversation with a freshman girl.

***

Emmm… hi… So, I’ve never done this before, and never really talked to you, but, you know, I should start at some point, and it might as well be now. And I wanna start with saying, I respect what you’ve been through, I respect your pain and your suffering even if you are not realizing at that point that you have suffered too much.

You run in circles. You cry out in pain, but no one hears. And then you are gonna smile wide like the happiest person on the planet, and talk my ear off and try to convince me that you are the only one best and unique person on the planet, and also the happiest and the most hurt one. None of the things you say are the things you really feel or believe in. But you can believe what you need to because that’s what gets you through the day. I cannot really make you believe anything else…

I’m just gonna say, I love you, I love you with all my heart, I love you the way you are and the way you have been every moment since you were born. You are beautiful inside and out. Yes, you have been hurt way more than you or anyone deserves, but you are a strong enough human being to deal with all of it. You will learn, you will grow stronger, and you will become a beautiful flower. You just gotta hang on.

And you will say you hate me, and you will kick me, and you will run, and you will cry, but that does not matter. I will go after you, and I will catch you, whatever it takes, and I am gonna hold you, and tell you that I love you, and you will cry, cry so much you will feel like you will die, and you will be kicking me, yelling at me that you hate me. And I am gonna let you, and I am gonna still hold you, and quietly cry with you over all they did to you and all you’ve been through, and I am gonna keep telling you I love you until you believe me, or until you fall asleep, the second being more likely. Only time will make you believe the first one.

But you can have all the time you need. And you can hurt if it hurts. That’s fine. You deserve the right to take your time, to feel your hurt, and to cry as much as you want. It is human, and it is beautiful. You are beautiful. And you are crazy strong. I know you will get through it, because I am the living proof of it. Also, I love you. I love you, because you are me, because you are my past, because you are what I am made of, because you are my life. And I will fight for you every day.

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