I have two months and one day until I graduate. When I actually publish this post, it will be just two months. Just two months until I am an adult person with a degree. I have no idea what the hell I’m gonna do with my degree yet. But I will have it. And I will walk my graduation. It took me a while to decide that. I didn’t wanna walk it because I thought how I’d see all those happy families and happy parents and happy students sharing their joy with their families and friends – and I was afraid that it all would remind me of how I will never be able to share this with my family because even if they were here, they would not be able to be happy for me. My family is a bunch of messed up people that hurt me a lot, and that is the only way I can perceive them – so it really hurts seeing happy families.
But screw that. Screw all that . Screw the others. It does not matter how they live their lives. I got through college. I did it myself. I did not screw up, I did not drop out. I made a bunch of mistakes, but I never gave up. Yes, I don’t agree with my mother, and I don’t wanna walk my graduation so that my fictitious future kids could see the pictures – and I should not be walking it for that reason, because it would be the wrong reason. But I do need to walk it for myself. Because I got through college. I managed to not break down. This is MY victory. This is MY celebration of MY success. I do need to walk my graduation – not for my parents, not for my friends, not for some random people, not for a bunch of fictitious kids that I am not planning to ever have. I need to walk the graduation for ME. I need to stand in that gown, facing everyone, being my own statement for myself, being the proof that I can do anything I set my mind to do, shouting just by my presence there that I did it, that I got my degree.