So many people talk about their childhood as a happy time, their teenagehood – as time of fun and stupidity, so many people want to come back to the time when they had that fun life in their family and did not have to deal with harsh circumstances of reality. For me anything that was up to the time when I was nineteen feels like a lost time that I will never get back. I was not allowed to have fun. I was not allowed to do what I want. I was expected to want to be an A-student – which I was – paying the price of my own life, spending time being a puppet for my parents. There is nothing in my childhood or teenagehood that I would want to come back to. I existed, but never lived. I was not allowed to feel or think for myself.
I lost nineteen years of my life. I will never get them back. They are the games I never got to play, the jokes I never got to laugh at, the friends I never got to hang out with, the fun I never got to have, the challenges and the experiences I never got to face, the freedom and care-free life I never got to enjoy, the sincere feelings I was never allowed to feel and express, and the unconditionally loving words and hugs that were never given to me by my parents – those are just some of the little tomb stones in honor of those lost years – the first and most important nineteen years of my life – the years I will never get back.
I had all the things I could want – but never what I really needed. And every step, every second of my life, I feel that I will never get back what was lost during those nineteen years. I’ll just have to move on somehow – grieving on the tomb stone of the nineteen years that fell victims to domestic abuse, learning to understand that none of that was my fault, learning to trust, forgive, accept, and respect myself and those who surround me, learning to give myself and people a chance, learning to live a normal life with feelings, emotions, pain, happiness, love, and hope – while coming to terms with the fact that my past was horrible, did happen, and to a point will always affect my life; and then learning to respect myself for enduring that past – and others for the past they had.
It’s gonna be a long road that I am not sure will have an end. I will have to learn to love myself the way I am. I will have to give myself a chance. I will have to find the power deep inside me to believe I can be happy despite my past. I owe that to myself, because I am a free human being and I need to learn what it means. It will be so much worth it.